I like being HS and it's going to kill me
I (36/M) have bipolar disorder and I'm unmedicated because I don't want to lose my crazy libido.
I've had a wild life. Childhood filled with neglect and abuse as you would expect. I've been a professional DJ/producer since 17. I've travelled all over the world, had grammy nominations, groupies, experiences most people could only dream of... all during the time I should've been fixing myself. After the pandemic my career started to tank along with my personal life. I started to get less and less pleasure from making music and the only thing I look forward to in life is sexual pleasure.
I've been single for about a year and barely leave the house. I crave a connection and to give pleasure, but I voluntarily isolate myself. I'm extremely picky and very awkard and borderline senile from years of drug abuse, so I don't bother looking for any kind of relationship or hookup. I got a semi-realistic sex toy that fills the void a little, but I really crave giving pleasure and affection again. Even if I found someone perfect for me, they could never fully satisfy me so I'd end up hurting them.
2 months ago I started going on OF and that'll be the nail in my coffin. Before that I could at least do other things in between cumming 10+ times a day. Now in between orgasms I just lay in bed staring at my DMs waiting for replies. Not to mention I'm spending money I can't afford.
I just know deep down this is going to keep escalating. Next it'll be escorts and bankruptcy and eventually suicide. I've already had one serious attempt a few years ago. The alternative, going on meds and living a normal life is just as depressing to me. I don't want to live a normal life, to me that's just a slower more painful death. I've experienced too much to be permanently satisfied with moderation.
I'm not looking for any advice. I know I'm doomed. I just can't talk about it to anyone I know. Thanks for reading.
Edit: Ok maybe this is a cry for help and I am looking for advice. Maybe someone reading this has a similar experience. I feel like I've tried everything to get better but maybe I'm just telling myself that to facilitate my hypersexuality.