I sold drugs when I was younger. That harmed my community. It harmed a lot of people, not just the people I sold to. It also affected their families. I do not make excuses. I can't undo my actions from the past. All I can do now is take ownership of my mistakes and try to help others.
Especially as a girl, I knew that selling drugs would be a risky business. I thought I could avoid those risks by being selective and careful. I only sold to people I already knew and trusted. It wasn't that simple though. My customers told other people, and other people contacted me. It was hard to say no to the money. That's how I met Jerry.
Jerry had a crush on me. It was obvious but it felt harmless in the beginning.
I think the first red flag was when he started paying me tips. He would pay me for his orders, and then he'd pay me a tip on top of that.
One day, he asked me my shoe size. I told him clearly, "please do not buy me any shoes." He still showed up with a pair of rhinestone heels the next time he was picking up an order. He said he had already bought them and they didn't accept returns. I was pressured and just accepted them.
I was a lot more naive then, but I still understood that situation was going to create problems. He was going to expect something in return. It also worried me that he always had power to report me to the police.
I used to put my phone on silent every night before going to sleep. I still do that actually. One morning, I woke up and saw at least 20 missed calls and more than 50 unread messages. They were all from Jerry.
He was mad because he found out I had gone to Disneyland with a boy. His messages said things like:
You are so ungrateful
After everything I did for you
You are nothing but a two-faced bitch
You are dead to me. Do not ever contact me again.
I wish I could say I wasn't bothered by any of that, but I was. I was afraid of being on his bad side because he could report me. His words were also hurtful, and I felt that. It was also concerning how he knew about me going to Disneyland with my boyfriend (we had kept that off social media. the whole relationship was a secret at the time but that’s a different story). The fact that Jerry blew up my phone was also really unsettling.
He had said never to contact him again, so I thought that would be the end of it. I started seeing him everywhere.
One day I was sitting at the public library studying. Of all the empty seats, Jerry came in and sat across from me. He pretended to read but I could feel him observing me closely.
Another time, I walked out of a manicure appointment and he was standing right outside.
I was already having really high levels of stress about getting arrested. I kept hearing stories about other local dealers getting arrested. It reached a point that every time I left my house, I wondered if that would be my last time. Jerry's behavior made my stress even worse. Now I was also afraid for my physical safety. All that stress together was too much for me to handle. Even after years of therapy, that still weighs on me to this day.
One day, Jerry approached me while I was about to enter a grocery store. He asked if I wanted to hear a poem he wrote. I said no thank you, left my cart there, and immediately ran to my car.
Later that day, I asked my boyfriend for help and my boyfriend said he would take care of the situation. He brought some friends with him and they confronted Jerry. As far as I know, they didn't hurt Jerry, but they intimidated him enough to make him leave me alone.
By that point, I knew I needed to leave that business. It really wasn't difficult to stop selling. I just told everyone I wasn't going to do it anymore. My customers had built a bond with my by that point so some of them were a little disappointed, but I was by no means the only dealer in the area. I'm sure they found someone else to buy from. I hope they didn't actually, but they probably did.
I have no idea what happened to Jerry after that. The silver lining in all of this is that Jerry really made me think about my safety. I avoid situations where I can't access help.