I love blacking out because I totally escape my thoughts
I know it's destructive and dangerous. I should have learned after being kicked out of home and ruining relationships but there's something about escaping the constant scary thoughts I have. I have gone too far with drugs many times one of them was ketamine and I ended up having a brief psychotic episode my brain spiraled my thoughts turned on me and I had a knife to my throat but luckily called the police on myself cause I was too scared. The whole time I thought I would end up like the mom from requiem for a dream I had lost all grip of reality and that experience has left a dark stain on my brain and now my pre-existing ocd can totally unravel my mind. I never realised how much torture you could instill upon yourself from one experience (1 year ago now). I know I can't change what I did and I forgive myself but I can't ignore the change that has occurred in my own mind. Sleep is impossible and I am only here because I have hope for positive change. I hope my brain will begin to heal and I will be like I used to. Even my dreams can be dark but when I drink and take benzos I am truly at peace and its horrible that I feel this need and I know it's not at all viable long term. Now I feel relieved when I take downers its like a bad trip that doesn't end I wouldn't wish this past year of my life upon anyone.