A heads up, this post is more of a self analytical musining rather than based on anything related to the kink. Literally, some cuckokd psychology, I guess.
I reflect a lot, and the source of my kink is something I'm often analysing in my head.
I've observed a trait in myself, that is, I utterly despise the idea of being lied to in order to protect my feelings. It's cropped up a few times. Two examples:
When my wife blurted out an interaction with a former friend of mine and went very defensive about it and avoided elaborating after she realised what she'd said. She seemed to play down what little she told me. That ruffled me for a few weeks, and I really wanted her to just hit me with the truth. Not for cuck fap fodder but to respect my capability to handle it.
With my wife and an ex, I discovered they had faked few orgasms. I explained this to my wife that I hated the idea of her having to act her way through sex to shelter my ego. Thankfully, she'll now tell me straight if she won't orgasm and we both accept that happily and move on. After all, she's not some orgasms vending machine for my self-esteem. She's a complex human, and we don't need to check a box to enjoy each other.
I think back to both these cases, and I realise I'm scared of being an unaware fool. More so than I am of being a "lesser man" from a masculinity point of view.
It occurs to me that despite this being a sexual kink, I'm drawn to the idea of living with my wife in raw honesty. The idea of bearing witness, through deliberate exposure, either directly or indirectly to something that might have reasons to be withheld to protect my ego... that resonates with me positively in some way that's not even sexual. It feels orienting, if that makes sense?
Sure... there's a fear of being emasculated, but the suffering of that I can fetishise, and to some extent, an agreed upon limiting of details for the purpose of mystery. But the idea of facing such a proven truth feels like a strange catharsis that I seek alongside the kink.
Having written this, I wonder if it doesn't point to a communication or trust issue I might need to work on.
I'd love to hear from anyone who has felt this way and what came from fulfilling the kink. Did more than the arousal come from your journey? Was any such catharsis felt?
Thoughts from all welcome, and thanks for reading. It's felt good to put this down.