[Meta] Users on this sub are real people, you have an obligation to be respectful
Over the last couple of weeks, three different interactions have led me (a guy) to write this post. We have all seen the complaints about men behaving poorly (to say it lightly), but many women are really no better. This post is about this sub, but also about the other r4rToronto sub.
The first case involves a woman who replied to one of my posts. We talked for a few days, and then she came to the conclusion that she actually didn’t have time to meet and couldn’t move forward with the activity we were discussing. It was unfortunate, and if she had thought about it before contacting me, it would have been appreciated, but there wasn't much I could do about it. Later, I realized the long weekend was coming, so I sent another message suggesting that maybe she would have some availability then. Enthusiastically, she replied that it would be a great idea. I asked her which day and time would be best for her… and then nothing. No reply, even after I reached out again a few days later. I have to admit, I do not understand how someone can go from "Yeah, let’s do it" to entirely ghosting the other person. A big waste of time on my end.
The second person also contacted me in response to one of my posts. I quickly realized that this person had already sent me a message on one of my other accounts a few weeks prior and had ghosted me after a short discussion. Still curious, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and engaged in conversation. We exchanged pictures, then talked about meeting. I even suggested meeting in a public place if that was more comfortable for her, to which she agreed. And very similarly to the first person, the moment I asked where we should meet, she just vanished. Even when I tried to be flexible and not rush anything, and that was the end result. Identical to the first person, this woman confirmed her willingness to meet, only to disappear right after. What is the logic here?
But the most absurd case was probably the third person I talked to, who also initiated the discussion. I first suggested meeting last Saturday, but she said she felt too lazy to go outside. That’s fine, we could look for another date. On Sunday, I asked her if she felt more energized, no answer. The next day, on Monday, she sent me a message out of the blue at 8 p.m. to tell me she was nearby and asked if I wanted to meet. I replied immediately and confirmed I was available. She asked for the address, I gave it to her, and then I asked how far away she was. She told me she was 10 minutes away but needed to eat first, fair enough. I assumed she probably wouldn’t arrive before 9 p.m., so I waited. Then I kept waiting. It became 9:15, then 9:30, no message, no news, no heads-up. By 9:45, it was clear she wasn’t coming and that I had wasted my evening waiting for someone who doesn’t give a damn about others, instead of doing something interesting. On Tuesday morning, I sent her a message to give her a chance to tell me what happened. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and a chance to apologize or explain the situation. After all, maybe she had a car crash and ended up in the hospital. Unsurprisingly, I received no answer to that message either.
TLDR: the moment you send a message to someone, you start a conversation, and basic rules apply. It can be summarized as something like, "Don’t do online what you wouldn’t do in real life." Ghosting, ignoring people, and leaving them hanging is not a mature way of communicating. You can do better. You are freaking adults, act accordingly. People on this sub are not your toys to fill your need for attention. They have their own lives, and you are just wasting their time and energy.
If you change your mind after seeing someone’s picture or talking for a bit, that’s all right, it happens. But just SAY IT instead of disappearing into the void. It’s not that hard, I promise. Look: "Sorry, you are not exactly my type/what I’m looking for. I hope you find what you are searching for. Have a nice day. :)" That’s it. How freaking difficult is that?
And on the other hand, if you can’t accept a rejection as simple as that and believe that everyone should fall for you, you are just as immature as those ghosters and you shouldn’t be here. That’s the other side of the coin.
Anyway, that’s it for me. Hopefully, this will help some people realize that their crappy behavior needs to change, or encourage some users not to accept this bullshit.
Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.