deadbeadroom - just get off the fence already.
Basic facts
This is a new throwaway account. It might get long… and I may ramble.
I’m a 60+ yo male. Married 35+ years. Married the first woman to sleep with me twice. I was not exactly sexually active before marriage in my mid twenties, except for a few fumbelings as a teenager.
We have no children. We had a good sex life for 20 years, She had medical issue that took it all away. I won’t get into details. We’ve been in a dead bead room marriage for 17 years of 35 years. 17 years and I can count the number of times we tried on 2 hands.
We could never get anything right again. No drive, painful, embarrassing. I’m a wall and I know it, and so is she. Then 5 years went by, then 10. Then there’s the weight. She is over twice my weight now. Im a normal sized man but slim. I’m not attracted to her physically at all now, and she’s not attracted to me or anyone as far as I can tell. That’s Just facts. I can’t help it. I truly wish I could. Animosity builds between us. We are roommates. She can’t start a conversation that is not a set of instructions or complaints. I’m not leaving. She’s not leaving. There is not enough space here to get into why I won’t leave. It’s very emotionally complicated and it’s not financial. We don’t talk about it. None of this is her fault.
——
The rationalization.
I’ve only been sexually active for 22 of the 46 years I should have, or could have been. It’s not good. It’s excruciatingly depressing and the anxiety overwhelms. I’m retired and I’m alone and it’s exhausting. Anger is my constant companion. I hide it best I can.
I had no idea I could feel this lonely and miserable and desperate for any kind of affection. Not just physical (but mostly I admit) my prostate medication is cialis. My brain stem is always on fire. It’s a hard way to live :)
I’m prone to guilt. So much so that I take on other peoples guilt all the time. I often find myself repeating the the phrase “I didn’t do anything wrong- why do I feel this way” in my head all day long. I feel guilty by default actually, and it’s a lifelong problem.
No friends or family to talk to about anything. Everyone I know and love is tied to her.
I took the long road here but thank goodness i made it through the door back to a life thanks to a kind provider.
I started looking at tryst about 5 (yeah 5years) ago. I would look and look at the same profiles all the time. Some of these ladies have been on tryst in my areas for as long as I’ve been looking which makes picking one easier I think, and I think it’s a good idea to observe for a long time before you decide to make the call. I’m obsessed with profiles of the companions in their 40s through 60s. I love to filter on that age bracket because the pool is smaller, less confusing, and less prone to valgarity, less scammy and seem more professional generally. I wish there were more older ladies, or ladies that advertise to, and/or accept only old dudes. It’s a real turn on and comforting to see in an ad. Perhaps I’ll get past that at some point. I don’t think I want anyone in there 20s or 30s right now but that might change.
If an ad says “40+ dudes only“ or “older men most welcome” it goes on my mental list.
2 years ago I had the had meeting scheduled out of town with a mature companion I had followed for about 6 months because I knew I would be in her town. . It fell through when she found out I didn’t drink, but that I smoked pot!? She asked while I was on my way, what booze I wanted and I told her I can’t drink. She turned me around while I was on my way to her hotel - I was 1000 miles from home and my date with a hooker fell through on moral grounds. It was quite a setback in my mind and my heart. It was a long 1000 mile drive home. I felt terrible and humiliated.
then Finally!
I finally had a meeting recently with a wonderful mature companion that is always on tour in my area in the summer. She goes south in the winter, during the session I was a total mess! I was like a 60yo virgin. I was an embarrassing stereotype 100% - I’m absolutely 100% sure I am a terrible everything. I had no idea what to do or how to act.
And it didn’t matter one bit. I’m easy money.
IT WAS Awesome! And by awesome I mean awesome. Not the sex - I was as fast as a 14yo and his right hand. Awesome as in i finally did it. Finally. I booked 2hrs and left early because I was more than bit overwhelmed by the experience. The provider was very kind to me and I’m scheduled again next month when she rolls around again. I’ll be much more relaxed next time. I felt like a king - like a human.
The point of this post…
My reaction to the experience is what totally shocked me. I felt, and feel absolutely no shame, no guilt about it and I’m really shocked. I expected crushing shame and guilt but I got freedom and relief. And no embarrassment by my own lack of skill and performance, my awkwardness. I’m in my 60s FFS and it’s been 16 damn years.
The clock is running out on my ability (prostate problems) -This thing will not last forever! Your gonna lose it eventually so use it while it works. Opportunity has been restored and my clock reset. I can do this whenever I friggin want to. Nobody gets to decide this but me. I will compartmentalize this activity and will survive as a result.
I’m back in the human race doing human things with humans. Do not go without for 17 years. Just get it taken care of. Restore yourself and your sanity. Forgive yourself. Get some.
I can’t wait to see her again, and a few more - I will visit 5 ladies this year.
Thank you B. if you’re out there.