I've been vetting with a potential Dom for 4 weeks - we've had multiple phone conversations, text chat, we both asked and answered in depth questions about our needs, desires, safety, experience etc. He told me he had 15+ years of experience being a Dom & how he was in a long-term D/s relationship for half of that.
We built enough of a level of trust that we went for a coffee to meet irl & he was the same person over coffee that I'd been speaking with for the last month. I'm a seasoned dater & I don't go anywhere with people I don't feel comfortable with. And consistency is a huge part of that for me.
Unfortunately when we went back to his home to have our first scene, he completely changed. And it wasn't a 'now he's stepping into Dom-mode' kind of change, it was as though all care had gone out the window. He's spent a huge portion of our vetting discussing his love for etiquette & high protocol, but that was nowhere to be seen once we began. It felt like the whole thing was a power trip and a joke to him once he thought he "had" me.
I'm fine. I'm safe, I wasn't physically harmed & there was nothing non consensual that happened (we didn't even have s*x). I left when I wanted to. But I felt like I was in a space with someone who was playing at being a Dom rather than actually authentically being one of that makes sense... I don't think based on how he was once we were behind closed doors, that he has half the experience he proclaimed to have. It was clear to me he lied about having been with women with bigger bodies as he had no idea what to do with me, and he said some incredibly questionable things about where his kink for age play came from...
I left incredibly disappointed. I feel led on & while I didn't do anything that crossed my own lines, I feel used. I shared so much with him, I put in time & effort to get to know him, he encouraged me to think deeper about my motivation for submission & what drives me & where I see my sub self in 3/6/12 months. I also put a lot of deep and serious questions to him to make sure he was the right person to explore with (after matching with many fake doms over the last few years - they normally show their colours much sooner)... And there was no way, based on him being so consistent for 4 weeks over various contact methods & also in person, that I could've known he was gonna flip a switch on me like that.
I feel like I've wasted my time, I've wasted my energy on someone who sought to take advantage of my nature. I feel like a fool.
I'm not really looking for any advice on vetting here, or what to do next time (getting references would be the most important thing for me). Right now I don't even want there to be a next time. And that in itself makes me so sad as I know my life feels fuller when I'm with a Dom. But I would really love some reassurance & comfort right now. I feel like I'm having a really bad sub drop from the experience falling so short of what he led me to expect. 😭😔