u/Kimakoh

Hello everyone,

I’m a straight guy in my 20s/30s and I’ve been struggling with something for a while that I’ve never really talked about openly. I mainly practice everything solo and don’t have a girlfriend right now. During stimulant (speed) sessions, I can spend entire weekends isolated at home, watching porn, gooning for hours, and escaping deeper and deeper into fantasy.

One part that confuses me is that during these sessions I sometimes like dressing in a feminine/goth style — makeup, feminine clothes, stockings, dark aesthetics, etc. It feels connected to the altered mental state and the escape itself. Outside of those moments, I’m completely heterosexual and don’t really identify with being feminine in daily life. That’s why I constantly wonder if something is “wrong” with me psychologically, or if drugs and compulsive porn use are just amplifying fantasies and behaviors.

The bigger issue is honestly the loss of control. Once I start using stimulants, I can’t stop. I stay awake for 2–4 days, neglect food and sleep, and afterward I feel mentally drained, ashamed, anxious, and disconnected from myself. Then after recovering for a few days, the cravings return again.

I’m not hurting anyone and I know clothing/fantasies alone don’t define sexuality, but I’m worried about the compulsive aspect of all this and how dependent I’ve become on these sessions to escape stress, loneliness, or emotions.

Has anyone here dealt with something similar?

• How did you regain control?
• Did therapy help?
• Did quitting stimulants reduce the compulsive/fetish side?
• How do you separate fantasy from identity without panicking about it?

I’d really appreciate honest and non-judgmental advice. Thanks for reading.