Advice, I F35 want to be open but parner doesnt
Advice needed. Sorry for the long post. TLDR I only get turned on by groupsex and feel my libido, hubby doesn't want to and now i don't know what to do
I'm F35 thinking of leaving my husband M33 of 7yrs because he doesn't want to pursue an open marriage. It sounds crazy and I never thought this would happen. So, I went through a traumatic sexual experience in my mid 20s, slept with a few people after then met my hubby and sex was painful and I had 0 libido with them all. I always had sex with him, but never felt my sex drive.
He told me a story one day, from his past and a chick gave him head in his car, then his friend after in the backseat. I never thought about groupsex but this story actually turned me on. And I stayed turned on for awhile, idk how to describe it but when I feel my libido its like feeling in flow, warm energized, little to no anxiety or depression, lots of confidence and feeling so sexy. All the time and I thought "wow is this what normal people feel like?" My hubby now says I was feeling lust, that it was a ploy from the devil. But it isn't a fleeting feeling. Its all day/ night and I felt so alive.
So we have a few MFM experiences with his 2 close guy friends. They were exciting because the experiences were new and fun. But I had 0 sexual attraction to them and he didn't want to play with anyone online or meet anyone new. So I said I'm done because I don't want to have sex with anyone I'm not into.
And we dropped it. Since that was a red zone, we decided we wont do any groupsex anymore. And my libido left. I went back to that state of no desire, lots of anxiety and depression.
We became Christian and one of us would have a groupsex fantasy and the other was like OH NO WE CANT BECAUSE GOD. And this time, I was the one with a groupsex fantasy... my libido came back a few weeks ago and instantly I feel grounded, sexy, confident, I finally began to eat healthy and go to the gym. Stuck with it for the first time in over a year.
I brought the topic up last week and he shot it down. Brought it up again today and he calls me crying. I feel so stuck. Like idk what to do. I dont want to lose my libido again or my husband. Only group sex turns me on, I can't help it. Ive tried fantasizing about my hubby only and it doesn't work.
I think i have emotional internal issues with him, and I feel a block in my heart about him. Like a resentment, because I have been waiting 7yrs for him to reenlist in the military. So we can start a family and buy a house and he hasn't committed to studying or working out to go into the army/ specifically special forces. Ive built up resentment, because we're in this life limbo, we cant put real roots down because we are waiting for him to reenlist. And he gets sick or injured and its pushed off. We met in my late 20s and im 35 now. Child clock is ticking. I cant even think of our future without having resentment and sadness because if he'd have just applied for his VA assistance we'd have over 200k from that and a child and house by now. And I don't have anymore joy or hope for him to reenlist, but he says he still wants too. And i cant convince him otherwise.
I really feel at a crossroads. Keep waiting and waiting for him to reenlist and have the family (IF my body will let me). Or move on my own and live my own life. I had kids names picked out. I wanted to grow old with him but I dont know anymore. I feel numb towards him.
I just wish he could have tried this groupsex dynamic out. He says after he enlists and we have a kid we can.. But I know he won't. I think he was trying to manipulate me and babytrap me. He thinks understandable, mainstream things about being Christian marriage and sexuality. This subreddit has helped me embrace my sexuality, for the fleeting moments I had allowed myself that sexual freedom. Then I shut it down out of respect for my husband.
Been a day since our talk and I feel very checked out. Looking at apartments and leaving it all behind. I won't rush into this, praying to God for guidance.. Has anyone gone through something similar? I am going to try marriage counseling, but I really don't want to live without my libido. And I don't want to have private kink fantasies, because I know id try to talk to my husband about it and upset him. I wouldnt cheat, but i love looking at local GW subreddits and thinking of the fun we could have. And looking at cute guys in my walking life.
I feel like I'm doomed if I divorce because we Christians aren't supposed to. Doomed if I want groupsex because my husband's beliefs and Christians arent supposed to. Doomed if I stay in this marriage, because I have lost my libido, and fantasies and sexual desire. I feel like there is no "good way out" for me. Maybe if God gives me a natural libido for my hubby only. I had been praying to God for my libido back, and I thought this was my prayer being answered. I just don't know what God's plan is for me.
Anyways, if you read this far thank you so much. Reading this subreddit has helped me so much.