u/Ok_Yoghurt249

*thought, not tough

I’ve just been spiralling down a hedonistic hole of darkness, trying to numb anything that isn’t euphoric, but I “accidentally” ended up getting  somewhat dependent on gabaergic drugs(lol), mainly alcohol and pregabalin

daily for the last month. I can’t even enjoy life sober anymore, I hate being controlled pills.

The thing is, this freefall into misery happened before. Who needs to learn from mistakes? Lol. Any way, this happened to me about 1.5 years ago, I was using about 30gpd of kratom, and everything else I could my hands on, my draws were full of empty blister packs of pills. 

The empty pill packs taunted me, so I tried to throw them away, but somehow they would always pile back up. 

My parents are wealthy, I spent my childhood  moving from country to country, school to school. I was churning out friends into distant memories, I learnt social skills, but not how to open up, or to commit. Then came along jenny, a friend of a friend that turned into a first love. Her father died a few months into dating her. Although she always kept her chin up and smiled, she would break down when no one was looking. I grieved with her, but I didn’t feel real grief until she had to move away, fate split us apart. 

A few weeks ago, I saw a girl that had her face, my stomach dropped, my stomach drops whenever I think about her. Yet we still text, lol. I have the chance to meet her shortly this summer.

 She seems to carry these emotional burdens better than I do. it all seems like a cruel joke, why does she get the sharp end of fate ? I deserve it more.

To be honest I’ve been thinking of ending my life. Whenever I’m alone, I envision slitting my wrists. slipping into that void of nothingness seems so appealing. Even when I’m high I still want to drain the blood from my body, and be free of my consciousness. But I’m too much of a coward to commit. A recurring theme, lol. 

I feel like I can’t tell anyone how I feel. Although suicide seems to be engrained into my fellow acquaintances. I don’t want to risk a stay in the psych ward, because someone thinks it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to be dulled by antidepressants, It feels like I can't even be lifted up by the drugs that i used to love, they don't love me back anymore.

The last time I was honest, I got kicked out of my school. It was a boarding school. my room was almost a pseudo opium den and it reeked of kratom and tobacco, I can still taste the sludge. Eughhhh. The truth about my passion for intoxication came out easily, as my jaw was always lubricated by opiates, helping the truth slide out. Eventually a friend told a teacher about my habits. I was kicked out that day.   

I don’t want to burden people with the truth of my fuck ups. They’re mine to carry. The weight is crushing me. It’s all so tiring.

 I don’t want to get close to anyone, I don’t need more people to think “why didn’t I see the signs, I could have done something”. I can’t imagine what it would do my parents, it’s so selfish.