learning how to cum by giving away control & always needing permission
hi! not sure if this is right place for post like mine but felt like maybe could be ok since about my journey with edging/denial and orgasm control. havent really talked much about this and been mostly all stuck in head so hoping maybe its something folks here can kinda relate to or understand. had done post couple years ago so felt like this is kinda update from that.
my last post had been about my journey with exploring connection to my pussy since never had one for most my life cuz of religious upbringing and trauma making me repress everything about me. my nature. my needs. my body. repressed things for so long didnt know they were there or even existed anymore.
so body and sexuality was big part of that and few years ago began trying rebuild those connections to myself with edging and denial. had always been hard for me to cum and felt too dirty and bad and disgusting couldnt touch myself. felt like pussy was too broken and was never gonna be kinda girl that cums.
first began trying form connection to pussy by learning how to touch and make myself feel good. found really great mentor Sir who helped by teaching me how begin edging and giving him control over my cums so always needed his permission first. it was honestly one of the most amazing and wonderful and biggest life changing things ever done before. not having control over my cums made me feel really grounded and safe. finally gave them meaning and purpose when being used for pleasing others and not under my control. felt like the deepest and truest form of submission could give.
as with everything good or bad life happens as time goes on and things change. so dynamic ended recently when other big obligations and life stuff got in the way. always gonna be super grateful for him and things had with dynamic together but suddenly losing his control over my cums was pretty hard. found myself feeling kinda lost without it since hadnt ever broken his permission to cum in almost 3 years. in countless ways he was the one who taught me how to actually cum.
at first tried moving on by getting permission from others cuz felt really deep down whats best for me is not having control over my cums but didnt feel as special cuz it wasnt just him anymore. kinda like the more guys who could give me permission made cums mean less than if only managed by one guy. truly felt like could ask Sir for permission anytime and he knew what was best for me on whether to allow any cums or not.
after couple weeks or so had day where felt with everything inside me that really needed to cum. like really deep down and not having anyone like him to reach out to hit me really hard. even though knew dynamic was over so he no longer had control and nothing stopping me from cumming whenever wanna still felt super bad at idea of cumming on my own without any permission cuz would be really betraying and letting him down for everything hed given and done for me.
giving control is really big thing for me. means so much for someone being willing to take over control over something for me cuz takes effort and responsibility and work for them to manage. never wanna just use and take from anyone and not give them enough back for everything. so always doing my best at being good and obedient super important for me as way can truly give back.
sorry if rambling. get stuck on tangents really easy and talk way too much sometimes. anyway ended up making myself cum as many times as possibly could cuz felt like needed to prove to myself could still do whats best for me without him but also that choosing to cum on my own didnt make me really bad person or letting anyone down.
they felt like biggest cums ever had before. hard find words describe how super intense and overwhelming they were. like literally consuming me and everything exploding inside and around me and nothing else existed. it was really amazing but since then havent been able get back into edging and not having control over cums. pussy so sensitive being used and playing with now that cant hold cums back anymore and feels like they just keep going and dont end for hours and somehow conditioned so all it takes with someone is being told.
theres parts of me that really enjoy and love all these things. something have always liked is idea of being conditioned to cum on command so really surprised me finding out somehow happened without me realizing. cums also feel amazing and like biggest ones ever had before but theres also part of me with deep sadness and grief like theres big hole inside and lost really big part of me that truly loved and dont know if ever gonna get back.