My Drug Addiction And Recovery - A Warning To You
Hi Reddit,
I'm sure there a lot of posts like this. Im not trying to repeat what you've probably read a dozen times, I just wanted to tell my story now that I'm in recovery. Get it off my chest so to speak.
To keep this post relatively short, I'm in my early 30s and have been on and off various drugs (mostly stimulants) since the age of 16. This last 10 months though my addiction has been at its worse and came to a peak in the last two months mainly from drug of choice (crack) I'd say, but also certain events in my personal life which was honestly caused by my addiction, although my families reaction to it has been disappointing.
It started off with me heavily using my main drug of choice which is amphetamine. As usual, I told myself the same old bullshit "it'll make me productive". Fast forward 3 months of daily use, I went into an extreme psychotic state which ended with me arming myself with two kitchen knives, pacing around the house thinking someone was trying to break in and kill me. I sobered up, went to meeting etc.
After which, I started experiencing paranoia again, completely sober but my family assumed I was on something. I got called a disgusting druggie, waste of space etc. I don't want to go to deep into the family drama, but I had been living at my parents house for the last 3 years as they've moved abroad. They have dogs etc and needed someone to run the family business and look after the house. My brother also lived there but is as good as useless. I was the only one cleaning and working. He would leave plates to go mouldy, wouldn't pick up dog poop and would mess up the laundry room / leave his washing in the washing machine etc. He didn't have a job and would play videogames all night.
I ended up leaving. I had become paranoid, felt unsafe in the house and started crying to my brother and parents to take me to hospital. I was begging to be taken in because I felt unsafe in the house. I got called a cunt from both my step dad and brother whilst literally on the floor crying. I got told I'm an embarrassment etc etc and when I told them both I've looked after everything for the last 3 years, I got told to shut the fuck up. Anyway, this is no excuse for what came after. But I wanted to give context. It's the reason I left, not an excuse for what came after.
Anyway, I moved houses and cities. Decided to have a night out drinking. Somebody asked me if I "need anything" initially, I asked for MDMA but he said he only has crack. So.. I decided to get that. Ended up scoring 4 wraps of crack and one of H. We both smoked it together in random parks on benches throughout the night up until the morning where I finished off with a pipe of H. I went back to where I was staying, tried to sleep but still couldn't. I got a phone call from him asking if I wanted to smoke in his friend's house
After getting there, we smoked and his friend offered me to stay at his with him for £300 a month. I had around £1200 left until I next got paid from a client (I did some freelance Web design work). I had been quoted £800 for a bedsit for the month during my stay (I was staying in a hotel temporarily and needed a bedsit). So I weighed it up in my mind and basically my thought was if I stayed with this guy, I had more money for drugs and someone to get them off who I lived with.
3 weeks later and Id smoked every single day, stopped working and lived off money owed from previous work I'd done. Went broke. My friend from school took me in and I'm at his now, without him I'd have nowhere.
My family hold a significant amount of my money (savings over the last 3 years). A week ago I asked for it back and rather than giving me the full amount, my step dad has made up things I owe him for (13 months unpaid rent) and even when I've shown proof to the contrary (I had only missed 2 months rent not 13) he still has taken 2/3 of my money and said that while he might be being petty, I'm a disgrace and don't deserve the full amount.
I have booked a one way ticket to Cambodia and have enough money to survive 3 months there. I have started reaching out to clients for some work and I'm actively looking for more. I plan to pursue my family legally when I can. I have acted in a very bad way, it's on me. But I have found in life in general, people see a drug addict and nothing else. They think they can treat you like shit because you're a druggie and don't see past the addict side of you. My family do not know about the crack or H, god forbid they did. But at this point im done with them. Prior to me ever taking drugs my step dad was abusive. Growing up he slapped me a lot, squared up to me and punched me in the chest when I was 14 just because I was late coming back from my girlfriends house. Anyway I digress, the moral of the story is to watch your addiction. And honestly, I feel like as selfish as we are when we are addicts, society simply does not see past it a lot of the time.
My move to Cambodia may be a big move but it's not an overly emotional one, I just want space to find myself again. Being away from friends, family and most importantly, drugs, will do me the world of good. I plan to return with more clients than ever, maybe even making 6 figures (one can only try). But if you're ever feeling bad about your addiction, just know that you have value. When I gain my success, I will look back at those 3 weeks in a crack den as nothing more than a blip.