u/Quick-Computer9478

I had an abusive experience with an online dom last month and it’s been haunting me. I just feel so much guilt and shame and it’s still hard to process that anything bad happened to me. I can’t stop thinking about all the pictures I sent and sometimes random things will trigger me into remembering how I felt and it’s just been really hard. I’m not digesting everything very well.

I’ve really been wanting to bring this whole situation up with my therapist but I keep getting too scared. Being in a bad situation is one thing, but adding that this was online and involves a bdsm dynamic is really hard to express to someone. She’s verified as kink friendly and sex positive which is why I chose her but I’m still so scared and I fear that this is too much. If I tell her, and she doesn’t know how to help me, I don’t want to have to find someone else and open up about it all over again. I just feel really stupid.

Talking about kinks with a therapist and a bad sexual experience in general is incredibly daunting. I don’t know how to word it and I just feel like I’ll cry through the whole thing which is humiliating because I put myself in a toxic relationship.

Just needing some advice on how to word it to her. And if anyone else has experienced this, how did you get the courage to talk about it? Sorry if this was the wrong sub to post to but I just wasn’t sure where else to go.

About a week ago I decided to end things with my online Dom. We were in the middle of a three month trial-period where I would be able to pull out at any time that I wanted. I truly thought that I would be able to go through with it, but I just felt so emotionally exhausted.
To preface, I am placing absolutely no blame onto her, everything that happened was completely consensual and safe. I think it’s more that I was trying to convince myself that this is something I wanted when it wasn’t.

I’ve never had sex before, I’ve never been in a relationship, and before this whole experience I had never sent nudes before. Through my entire life I honestly promised myself that I’d never send naked photos. And recently, I’ve just been so lonely. I’ve always felt like this, but the older I get the heavier the feeling that no one will ever love me.

So, one night, I went out and found myself a Dom. I’d never had one before and I did absolutely no research before we started talking. She told me about everything, and said she’d guide me through it. The point is, for the first time in my life, someone wanted me sexually and I’d never felt that power before.

I wanted someone to want me, I didn’t care how, so I started sending pictures of myself and voice notes and doing whatever she wanted. Everytime she would text me or we would talk, I would genuinely feel like I was on crack or something. I would have these adrenaline rushes and emotionally crash right after our moments were over. I craved her affection, genuine true affection, but the dynamic we had wasn’t really allowing for that. It’s also not fair of me to expect her to be perfect when we hadn’t even met each other.

I would keep doing things for her but I wouldn’t really get any compliments about my body (I would send nudes, but she would reply to them with my next instruction rather than a compliment), or when I needed her to talk me through things I didn’t feel fully supported. I felt overwhelmed by this new world.

She never sent me any photos of herself, and told me that one day I would earn it. I told her about my life, my worries, and I asked if she would share something but she never opened up to me. I feel like I knew nothing about her and she had me in the palm of her hand. To be fair, I thought that’s what this type of relationship meant. I felt bad for asking her about her life and wanting intimacy from her because our relationship was in her control. I felt it wasn’t my place to have an opinion.
She knew how scared I was of doing all of this, that taking nudes and sharing myself was a lot to handle, so I just wanted her to show me that she could be vulnerable too.

After a while, I just started feeling like a body. Every time she would ask for a picture, I would dread having to take my clothes off and perform. But I wanted to make her happy, truly. I wanted to push past my own discomfort and do something for someone who wants me. We didn’t set any boundaries because I felt that I didn’t need any. I wanted to completely shut off my mind. I thought all the concerns I had would melt away the further we progressed. The more I became hers. But because this was online, there was an intimacy block that I couldn’t ignore and it was making me feel even more alone.

Now, of course, everyone expresses their emotions in their own way. She is completely entitled to treat her Sub how she likes, but it was making me emotionally exhausted. And stupidly, I didn’t want to tell her how I felt, which I know is childish, but I just wanted her to treat me however she wanted. I needed to see what I was worth to someone who could have me. It’s always been hard to believe that my feelings actually matter. So I just kept going, but everything I did made me feel worse and every time we spoke, I just felt sad and guilty. I was so scared that I was using her to punish myself, and in such an intimate relationship, I just felt terrible, like I was taking advantage. She didn’t deserve that. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. I couldn’t handle keeping things from her.

So finally, I decided to end things. I told her that I wasn’t sure if this was making me happy, and that I didn’t want intimacy to look like this for me. I wanted to have an honest conversation, I wanted her to finally open up to me just a little bit. Even if we wouldn’t be in each other lives after this.

She said that I was either worthy enough or not. I told her I wasn’t. She left it at that and never replied to me.

I wasn’t finished speaking to her. I wanted more. I just felt so easily disregarded. I respect her needing distance, but I was incredibly intimate with her, more than I’ve been with anyone and she knew that. It hurt me that I wasn’t worth a proper goodbye. Not even worth more than one text message. I know that it wasn’t for a long time, but she saw all of me and she’ll have that forever. I feel so bad that I told her out of the blue, but it was eating me alive. This whole situation is eating me alive, because now I have no one again. It stresses me out at the thought that I’ve hurt her by leaving.

I’d never tell my friends any of this, I’m genuinely taking this to the grave, so I decided to post here. Sorry for the long read, but I needed to get that off my chest. I don’t have anyone to speak to who would understand.