Returning Urge After Years
i was in 24/7 diapers, always using them for wetting, for about three full years. i stopped wearing them when i was castrated, because the wound needed open air for good healing. By that time, i hadn't lost bladder control, but i had trained so well to just automatically let go that i was standing at home naked (on a wood floor, thank goodness) and just absentmindedly pissed the floor as i was talking to my then partner. Flash forward, i've been getting back to BDSM and such, and along with that i've realized i really miss wearing and using diapers. After a lot of hesitation, i ordered some, and from the moment i put them on yesterday they've felt completely right--so much so that i don't want to go without them, almost like some kind of addiction. The thing is, in those intervening years i developed a strong professional career with a good deal of visibility. i've also developed a 5 day per week workout habit, which i never had before. i've also really taken to dungeon parties and the like, exploring my submissive and masochistic side---a context where diaper wearing is a quick way to drastically limit potential play partners.
Now i'm at a bit of a loss. Down deep, i really want to start wearing full time again, and get back to that place where i was as close to "losing control" as possible. On the other hand, the contexts i mentioned above just aren't conducive to that. i don't know whether i can manage to wear them at all times OTHER than when i'm in those particular settings, and go back to just absentmindedly wetting them, without ending up having public accidents. There are other practicalities like expense, odors, huge amounts of trash each week, etc., but if i'm honest those pale in comparison to the potential for undiapered accidents.
Surely others here have been in a similar situation? Did wearing the vast majority of the time give you the satisfaction and "loss of control" you wanted most of the time, without creating disasters when you couldn't/shouldn't be wearing and wetting? Maybe some of the time i could wear diapers in those settings but not wet them, but if i'm training to just let go in them naturally, that would seem to fight against the goal. Practical advice please (other than "suck it up and make up your mind one extreme or the other")?