Do I need a BDSM relationship/ a support system?
A few days ago, I was cut off by someone who assumed the role of a dom. The relationship wasn’t even a week long but I had already formed a deep attachment (borderline delusional). I was pretty aware even as these things were happening but I gave into it anyways.
Since they left, I feel depressed. I initially started talking to them as a form of escape from my problems with friends and at work, and with my family and my ex and my declining mental health. But I guess I was too sucked into the lie that I was living.
I have some idea as to why this hurts so much; it is feeding the same narratives I am trying to run away from. For example, fear of abandonment, not feeling worthy of love etc.
I took a day or two to process what had happened and I started becoming active on reddit to find a dom. I have never been in a BDSM relationship before although I was always curious and knew I wanted to be somebody’s sub so badly. But with the plethora of problems around me, I never actually pursued this dynamic.
Because of the recent dynamic with the person mentioned above, I convinced myself that a dom is what I need in life. That I could create a bubble and be safe inside it with my person (I am borderline and have been struggling with the feelings of safety for the longest time).
Right now, I have spent hours here on this platform wanting to be seen, heard, or taken care of. I have started isolating myself from people IRL. I only maintain contact with my room mate and it’s a healthy interaction whenever that happens.
Apart from that, I can feel myself slip into something dark. Although I am interested in a BDSM relationship, I feel like this isn’t what I “need”. I often keep thinking we, as adults engage in so many things to cope. May be this is me running from so many painful experiences IRL.
I feel like this pain will never go away and I will forever be under it’s grip. I cannot gather words to explain how old and helpless I feel as each day passes by. Powerless, not being able to do or change anything about myself or other people or the relationship I have with them.
Should I stop looking altogether? Does this ever get better?
EDIT: I am in therapy although it’s been a bit difficult to take myself every week.