This is definitely not a huge confession, more like getting something off my chest??? But I've always had a thing for older guys. I was never abused in my life in any way. (maybe verbally by parents but who hasn't….) Recently I've noticed it's getting out of hand. Anytime I see an older guy I get flustered. If I'm going to the store, or I'm working, or just running errands. The highest age gap I'd ever tolerate is probably 10 years. But seriously anytime I'm near a guy that looks 5 years older than me I get all flustered and embarrassed. (Sometimes I even flirt I find it embarrassing)
I'm not wishing to seek male validation. (At least I think so???) I have thought about speaking to a psychiatrist. Because maybe they can help me get to the root of it. I'm sometimes ashamed of it, especially when I masturbate. Sometimes I want to pursue an older man, knowing the risk and willing to take those risks. Sometimes I'm fine with the idea of being used. Not physically but emotionally? But at the same time, I am a mature woman. I definitely know my worth, and I know these thoughts are bad. And I don't have insecurities about myself. (This is probably my biggest insercutiy is this kink) That's why it's kind of kept in my shame closet.
I've also noticed that when I go to masturbate, I look for older guys/DILFS. I've only ever been with one older guy before. It wasn't anything physical to the point of having sex. Just slight touches and mostly flirting. I've been with guys my age. I've only dated guys my age or a year older. I'm very curious about getting with a guy who's 6-10 years older than me. (maybe even older….) But there's obviously a risk when it comes to dating older people. I'm scared that I'll be talked down to, or seem like I'm “too immature”. Or the worst part is getting groomed or abused…but these things can happen in any relationship.
I've heard that if I really want to pursue something like this, I should wait. Wait for someone to come to me. Like maybe I can find a person like this at my workplace, or a coffee shop, even a grocery store. But I still can't help but fantasize……being with an older man. I'm still not sure if it's purely sexual or purely emotional. And for the record I am experienced, not a virgin.
The guys my age that I have been with……have definitely not been my cup of tea. I've dated a handful of people, only ever slept with two. They have never treated me the way I wanted to be treated. I've spoiled my exes, bought them clothes, food, gifts. And never did I ever receive anything from them. They were definitely not ready for a relationship like I was. A lot of them had huge insecurities that would make the guy break up with me. I recently just turned 19, my friend tells me to wait until I'm 25 to decide if I still want an older man. But I don't think I could wait that long.
Please tell me anything about what you think I should do!!!!! Be as harsh as you can be, if you think I should seek professional help please say so (it would help so much) but also please keep in mind I'm not exactly sure where this kink or fetish stems from…… I've never been touched, I grew up with a non-bio dad not my bio dad because my mother got a sperm donor. The only type of abuse I've ever received was verbal. And my father is very loving. He and my mother have always had a loving healthy stable relationship. I only have one other sibling (older sister) and I've never grown up with huge family issues.