I (25M) crossed a serious sexual boundary with my girlfriend (26F) and I need honest advice on how to move forward responsibly.
(TW: Sexual assault, sexual trauma, childhood trauma)
As I (25M) said in my title, I crossed a serious sexual boundary with my girlfriend (26F) and I am spiralling and need genuine advice, guidance, and support. I am not here to make excuses for what I did and I acknowledge that what I did was seriously wrong, but I would like to provide context for understanding.
Context:
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Throughout our relationship, we have had a complicated sexual dynamic. Early on, we had a very active sex life, but over time she opened up about sexual trauma, low libido, possible asexuality, and discomfort with direct sexual requests and communication. She also has autism/PDA and says that direct conversations about sex or planned sex make her feel pressured.
Over time, our sexual dynamic became very indirect and, at times, confusing. We explored CNC/free-use style dynamics together (with safewords), including role-play where “no” was sometimes part of the fantasy unless a safeword was used. We also engaged in sleep-related sexual play where I would sometimes touch or finger her while she was asleep or half-asleep, which she previously expressed enjoying. However, looking back, I realise our boundaries may have became extremely blurred and unsafe.
At the same time, our sex life declined significantly over the years — from several times a week, to a few times a week, to once a week, to once every two weeks, and now sometimes once or twice a month. I have a very high libido, and physical affection is very important to me emotionally, so this has been very difficult. Meanwhile, she increasingly only wanted sex rarely and on her own terms or timing. Because of this, I started building resentment, feeling unwanted, undesirable, sexually neglected, and emotionally disconnected. I also increasingly relied on porn and masturbation due to the lack of sexual intimacy.
Post:
Recently, I did something that I now realise crossed a serious line. I went into the room while she was asleep and tried to initiate oral sex by putting my penis in her mouth while she was sleeping. I had seen a porn scenario like this before and wrongly assumed she might be into it based on our previous dynamics. She woke up panicked and later told me she feels like I sexually assaulted her.
I immediately apologised and acknowledged that what I did was wrong, but I also panicked and became defensive while trying to explain how our confusing sexual dynamic and my resentment contributed to me making such a terrible decision (which I now realise likely came across as minimising or deflecting instead of fully centring her experience).
I am struggling heavily with shame and self-hatred right now because I genuinely never wanted to hurt or violate my partner, but I understand that intent does not erase impact.
I am not looking for people to tell me she is wrong or that what I did was okay. I already understand I crossed a line. I am trying to understand:
- How to take accountability properly
- How to navigate the aftermath of this
- Whether this relationship dynamic has become fundamentally unsafe for both of us
- What I should do moving forward to make sure I never repeat harmful behaviour again
Please be honest but constructive.
(PS: I understand this is a very triggering topic. I am not trying to justify my actions — I am trying to understand them and take responsibility for them. I am doing my best to sit with the reality of what I’ve done.)