I’ve gone over and over in my head whether or not I should be posting so soon trying this again, but I think I need the distraction and to just keep moving forward. TLDR: married but separated sub looking for a dom, recently out of a dom/sub dynamic and looking to get back into it. Just a weird girl doing weird girl shit and looking for a little distraction, guidance and discipline all under the guise of sexploration and fun.
Recently got out of a dynamic with someone I thought to be my perfect Dom, however, distance was the main issue. Because of my past experiences and mental health laundry list (of which I try to be diligent about managing with professional guidance), I can get very attached, very easily if you are someone whose personality really speaks to mine. Long distance does not work for me, unless you are serious about regular visits with one another. Unfortunately, my schedule is incredibly full with school and work, but for the right person, I’m willing to make whatever time whenever I can, regardless of lost sleep in order to be there with them. I am someone who would drive an hour just for a 10-minute hug and a kiss. What I’m realizing is that I would drop everything at a moment’s notice to be there for someone and what I need is someone who would be willing to do the same for me. It’s not something I would demand, or even want to ask of someone but having the ability and desire to do so are highly preferred displays of dedication that I’ve never experienced before and would greatly appreciate.
I’ve made a couple of posts here before, but recently deleted them due to having found what I thought to be the ideal situation. For the sake of not having to paraphrase, or repost, I’m just going to copy and paste what I previously said (with a few new additions) as I feel it’s still perfectly applicable to what I’m looking for:
What I'm looking for is someone who allows and supports me to go out and be the strong, ambitious woman I am, but with structure for how I am to go about my day so that I don't have to dedicate much thought to it (focus on food/nutrition as I’ve had bariatric surgery and lost 170 lbs, activity to tighten skin and tone muscles/loose skin from rapid weight loss, water intake, etc.); I deal with a lot of hidden anxieties and I’m always overstimulated. Lately, because of my situation, I’ve started to get a little depressed. My greatest desire is to be able to just focus on doing what is asked of me well, with room for pushback and rebellion (in a fun, teasing way). I'd like there to be a reward/ punishment aspect that is carried out "in the bedroom," with light playing in public (e.g. games like menial shopping together and trying to find as many places as possible to grope each other in a crowded store) that can build sexual tension and anticipation. Daily tasks (both naughty and not) can be a fun way of setting up reward/punishment play with me later on.
I am an intensely passionate person who gets attached very easily and am looking for someone who wants to dive in just the same. When I do get attached, I tend to want my person all. the. time. I want someone who wants me intensely just the same and who actually has time & desire to put into being as physically present in my life as they can be over the phone. I need someone who knows how to read my body language well enough to understand those wordless cues and know when I am/am not ready for play due to overstimulation. I do verbally communicate, and I do so well when I truly trust someone, but I crave for someone to care enough to want to just know me, the inner workings of my mind and my body so I simply don’t have to work so hard to bridge the gap. I am the type of person who willingly devotes themselves entirely to the people I love, as long as they love me back in the ways I want to be loved. I don’t need these displays all of the time, but periodically making time and effort to show them truly mean a lot. Appropriate and mutual demonstrations of love languages are incredibly important to me. I do not feel as though people truly show love by simply displaying it the way they do; truly loving someone and displaying it properly is by doing so in a way that speaks to them and the ways in which they speak their love languages.
I am currently married, but separated and have a strained relationship with my husband. I'm very far removed from him romantically, but we do still cohabitate (I have my own room, but can never host, as our home is supposed to be a neutral zone for the both of us) and he does still take care of me financially because he was the main breadwinner and I'd just started back at school before we separated (currently working a new part time job and will be working a summer position to regain my financial independence).
I've been assaulted before and that has negatively affected my ability to engage in sex regularly. I need very specific conditions to feel safe and seen now and I've found that I simply want someone who cares about setting the mood and getting me ready because that's their gift to me in return for the one I give to them by way of my body. I like being fucked hard, I like having my mouth and throat used like a sex toy. I like being called a naughty little slut and a good little girl when I do those things. I love being wrapped up in someone's arms while I'm cooking and then being bent over to have my brains blown all the way out while I finish that meal, but I am a passionate and romantic person who absolutely needs all of the attention and the gooey lovey dovey shit to feel seen and cared for emotionally so that I can get to that point and feel open enough to give that part of myself to someone. I am incredibly neurotic and anxious, so I often balance that with an outward appearance of being laid back and constantly in search of balance. What I truly desire is someone who can make me feel safe enough to allow them to sometimes turn me into a jellyfish: no brains, just existence for whatever purpose. I truly don’t have a lot of experience in this world, as a majority of it has been online, so I need someone patient with me in that regard, but I’ve recently learned that when I trust someone, I’m willing to try anything once and things I don’t think I like are willingly revisited. I love to experiment, but only with the right people. Bondage is a hell yes, but I only have a very novice introduction to that due to my recent experience.
It feels like I'm searching for a unicorn. I know that I’m ridiculously particular and it feels like I have all these expectations, but I truly don’t. Just looking for a good, kind-hearted human being that I can trust with this part of myself. Someone who cares, can adult without prompting, can openly communicate and have the patience to work with me when I’m too overstimulated and respect my space when I need to take it. Someone who doesn’t judge others, or themselves too harshly. Every time I find someone who might be close, I never feel like we're quite right, or they can't be direct/honest with their intentions, or they simply never have time/space for me. Admittedly, I’m a lot, but I think a good kind of a lot most of the time. So, I'm trying this again to see if there's any luck with a little more specification for what it is I'm looking for.