u/diddikani

My friends and I decided to drive into the city to party since we all just graduated high school (all 18+). I was supposed to drive but it started snowing, and my gut said it was a bad idea to drive so I said I wouldnt take us. This guy M volunteered. We went, and hit black ice. M lost control of the vehicle, we spun three times and ended up in the ditch unharmed but the car was pretty damaged. Cars were flying into the ditch all around us, we could see half a dozen from our location.

We got towed and made it to the party anyway. M was pissed and embarrassed that I decided not to drive and he didn't anticipate the danger. We all got fucked up. I rarely drink. The next thing I knew, M had his head in my lap. I was so thrilled, I've always been the pudgie and not so great looking one, and he was the hottest of our friends. I'd never had a boyfriend. It was too much - my social anxiety spiked. I went upstairs and smoked a cigarette. Unfortunately I had no idea what I was doing and smoked it like weed, making myself so sick. I eventually crawled into someone's bed.

The next thing I knew M was there. He said I should have been the one to wreck my car but he would forgive me since we were all fine. I felt his hands on my belly. I was laying on my back, feeling the world spin as his hands crept over to hold and squeeze my pussy through my clothes.

I couldn't move and immediately knew i was getting wet. He found my clit and started working it through my pants. I should have said no. I wanted to struggle but I couldn't. Part of me wanted him to touch me even though every touch felt like a violation, I've had a rapekink for a long time before this. Eventually he slid my pants down and fucked me, my pants still around my ankles. He fit his dick in with my legs mostly together and my arms pinned my sides. He came inside me. I only felt good when he was using his hands and then again right when he came. It's like I could feel his pleasure as he twitched and I could feel my painful tightness loosen up. I'm still so ashamed that I wish I had cum.

I still felt sick and dizzy, worried about someone coming up to find us. He went to the bathroom and brought back a rag, wiped me, and pulled up my pants. He left the room and I passed out.

When I was in college, I saw a large, husky Native man in the library who had a handmade basket for a backpack. I thought this was fascinating and unique, and I walked up to him to get his number. I visited him at his home. No funny business, just checking out his space and he made me food.

A week or so later, I invited him over for dinner. I had a small cabin with a loft. It was snowing hard and very late by the time we were done eating. "Well this was fun, thanks for coming over." He stared at me.

"It's snowing. And late. Why can't I stay? It's dangerous on the road, and I'm tired."

I feel the roiling in my gut. I didn't want him to stay. I argued a bit. He pressured me more. "Fine. But we aren't having sex." He agreed.

We got undressed, except for underwear, and crawled into bed. Keep in mind, at this point I was so touch-starved from being single for too long. I loved snuggling in as the little spoon. I sunk into his body even though I was full of unconscious tension from my boundaries being pushed.

His hand reached up to my breast. I rationalized it, of course a little groping was expected. Little did he know, I was briefly assaulted, while in this exact same cuddling position, by my dad at one point.

When his hand reached down to my pussy over my panties, I could feel myself freeze. It felt so good but I couldn't stand it. I pulled his hand up and held it to my chest. We said nothing.

He waited a bit but slowly his hand creeped back down. His finger went under my panties, slipping over my slit. Again, it felt like fire and my fear made me pull his hand up again. I was wet but he didn't know. He didn't know about my past.

I waited, holding his hand tightly, eventually hoping he would try again. I let my grip relax. He wasted no time. This time he slipped his finger in and when he felt how wet I was, he groaned and sped up his fingers. I was already close to orgasm but I moved his hand again. And again. Each time I waited and let go of his hand, hoping he would go back for more. We did this maybe dozen times over. I was liquid fire.

Eventually he flipped me over and ate me out. I was so close to orgasm. So close. I couldn't get there. I was too frightened somewhere deep inside. I didn't know him or love him. It was pure pleasurable torture.

Then he tried to put his dick in me. At this point, knowing I wasn't on birth control, I loudly and seriously said "No, that is NOT how this works."

I meant it. To my horror and relief, he obeyed, laid down with his head at my feet, stuck his thumb in my cunt and jerked off while staring at my pussy. He fell asleep facing away from me and left asap the next morning after doing a few ridiculous naked jumping jacks presumably to break the tension.

It didnt help. I had laid in bed for hours burning with pleasure, frustration, anxiety and humiliation. I just wanted him to leave.

I wish he had raped me completely. If he had fucked me I would have cum so hard. This is probably one of the biggest sexual regrets of my life. As soon as he left, I brought myself to one of the most unfulfilling and painful orgasms of my life.

For those of you who'll ask, no I didn't imagine my dad or anything like that at the time. But the trauma of that definately played a role in my arousal, inability to cum, and initial freeze response.

Ladies, and other people drawn to reenactment of trauma, do it with someone you trust. You'll probably have a better time and not hate yourself after.