I (30m) have been with my partner (30f) for 12 years. We’ve had an open relationship for about 10 years. The original reason we opened it was because I wanted to explore more sexually. That eventually led me deeper into BDSM, while my partner turned out to be completely vanilla.
There was never any resentment about it. We’re simply very different in that area. For a long time, I never really met anyone I could genuinely explore this side of myself with. So it wasn’t exactly a conscious choice that all my BDSM experiences ended up being with sex workers. It was more that I never found a real connection where this part of me could actually exist naturally. Because of that, the arrangement we had worked for me. It stayed emotionally separate, uncomplicated, and our relationship remained stable.
Recently, though, I started dating someone where it feels completely different. Not only are we extremely compatible sexually, but we also connect very deeply as people. For the first time, I feel like I can fully show this side of myself and actually be seen and understood. I don’t feel judged, weird, ashamed, or like I have to hold parts of myself back. I can completely open up emotionally and sexually in a way I honestly never have before.
The problem is that she’s fundamentally monogamous. She told me pretty clearly that she doesn’t think she can do this long term. She’s a very intense person emotionally, and she believes she’ll eventually have to end things before the feelings become too strong.
What also confuses me is how much my sexual energy has shifted toward this new person. Right now, almost all of my desire and excitement is focused on her. Sex with my long term partner isn’t bad, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling or emotionally charged anymore. I don’t even know if this is just new relationship energy, finally feeling sexually understood for the first time, or a sign that something bigger is changing in me.
Right now I feel stuck between two worlds. And that’s hitting me much harder than I expected. I really don’t want this to end. But at the same time, I also don’t want to lose my long term relationship.
I think another thing I’m struggling with is that now that I’ve experienced this level of connection, openness, and compatibility, I don’t know if I can just go back to how things were before. Even if I choose my long term relationship, what does that mean for this part of me now that I know what it feels like to fully share it with someone?
Has anyone here experienced something similar with open relationships, BDSM, and incompatible relationship models?