I have class tomorrow but I can't go to sleep. Even when I close my eyes I see cock and porn. I think I fucked my brain up completely I just think about men I know hurting me. I don't even want men to like me anymore, it feels the most honest when they hate me.
I kept saying I could stop and still kept redownloading Reddit. But it started actually changing the way I act. Watching so much porn made me start letting men do worse things to me in real life. In the last week I've fucked 3 different guys from a dating app. I picked the ones who made it clear they just want my body and one of them really treated me like shit but it feels like I deserve it. And it's bad but the validation felt so good.
It's really bad I used to spend hours on here just filling up my head. I quit 3 months ago but yesterday I hooked up with this guy. We went on a date but immediately the way he spoke to me like I was dumb and the way he started touching me the second I sat down. He picked what drink he wanted me to drink and it felt like a test if I'd let him but I didn't want to be difficult so I just let him. He started saying super misogynistic stuff. He reminded me I'm just a cunt