My femme NB partner and I (cis F) are exploring a D/s dynamic with me as the domme and them as a femme sub. We’ve been slowly learning together for several months, especially around pegging, and we’re finally finding a rhythm that feels good and safe for both of us.
One thing that’s really important to me is that I don’t want dominance to feel like “using” my partner for my own pleasure. I’m more interested in the idea of being trusted with control over their pleasure and that they can be vulnerable with me in a way that feels safe and good. I want to lead and create a dynamic where mutual pleasure and emotional safety matter just as much as power exchange.
But... our personalities are a bit different tbh. They can be bratty, stubborn, and hot-headed, while I tend to be more nurturing and patient. I’m still figuring out how to hold authority in a way that feels natural to me instead of trying to imitate a version of dominance that doesn’t fit my personality.
We’re also starting to explore chastity training. They’ve mostly done it independently so far, but I’d like to become more involved in a way that lets me slowly build my dominance and be the one to call the shots without being too controlling, if that makes sense.
Another thing is that my partner struggles with opening up sexually. They’re shy about talking about fantasies or desires, and sometimes have a hard time letting me into that part of themselves. They’ve also shared that they’ve struggled with porn addiction and want to moderate it. Personally, I’m not bothered by porn in itself unless it negatively affects their mental health, intimacy, or our relationship.
So far, it hasn’t, but I also don’t know what signs to watch for or how to support them without becoming overly controlling, which could shake their trust in me.
For people with experience in D/s dynamics, especially femdom.
- How did you learn to develop your dominant identity without feeling like you were “using” your partner?
- How do you balance care, authority, and mutual pleasure?
- For bratty or emotionally reactive subs, what works best in building trust and structure?
- How do you approach chastity in a way that stays positive and connected?
- If porn moderation or addiction recovery is part of a dynamic, how do you support it without being too controlling? I don't want them to feel ashamed or judged, but I also don't want to enable it either.
Would love advice from people who’ve navigated similar dynamics with their partners!