Weird question about a thing I have as a female cuck
Quick contextualization - and apology! I’ve never posted here or discussed this side of myself anywhere before, so if I’m misunderstanding the lifestyle, please correct my thinking!
I feel like a cuck, but I’m not sure if I qualify as one, mostly because I’m female, but also because I’m involved in a triadic, closed, and very long-term relationship with a man and a woman. So, there’s really no open polyamory or revolving door for one night stands, and no one’s playing favorites. It’s just us, everyone involved dating each other. And somewhere along the way, it became noticeable to my partners that I darn near prefer watching more than receiving intimacy directly, so much so that most sexual encounters we have follow this sort of lifestyle.
During one session we had some weeks ago. I was allowed to watch my girlfriend act as my hotwife and be smitten by the size of her bull, our boyfriend. She was “confessing” that she preferred intimacy with our boyfriend better than with me, typical stuff that really gets me fluttering. But then, while having sex with her, my boyfriend said something to me like, “your little pecker couldn’t ever make her feel this way,” and my mind just turned to fuzz. I was immediately and insanely thrilled about that, even upon memory of that specific moment now, it aroused me and reduces me to weakness. It’s mentally been rewinding and playing in my head when I satisfy myself. But I obviously don’t possess a penis at all, and I’m absolutely confident that I have no desire to transition or identify differently. I have discovered my demisexuality and heteroflexible capabilities in recent years, and I’m still troubled by the fact that I’m in love with a woman as one myself. It’s a main insecurity at my core currently. I wonder I am subconsciously attributing myself with masculinity so I can “rationalize” being with her sometimes sexually. I’m probably super weird in the head, but I certainly don’t want to actually have male genitalia, I’m sure of this much at least!
I’m aware of some relationships (like lesbian ones) where a man’s presence is substituted with dildos or strap-ons, and sometimes those toys will effectively become the “penis” of the woman or whatever. My boyfriend attempted to playfully bully me for my inferior, artificial “penis” when I used a strap-on with our girlfriend, and he creatively humiliated me for needing tools to “compete” with him. But that just didn’t hit the same for me. He also tried making fun of me for not having a penis at all, for being too biologically disadvantaged to please a woman in the way she “really needs,” and that felt good, but not as good as him making fun of my small “penis.”
This is all so embarrassing, but that’s my question: is it heard of for a female cuck become excited by her imaginary “penis” being small and humiliated.
I wish I knew what was going on with myself, if this is something that’s heard of by anyone or relatable to anyone. I just somehow thrive on this thought that I hardly know how to phrase. The only similar thing I can think of is how some male cucks enjoy their small genitals (“micro penis”) being referred to as a big clit. Like I’ve heard of that, but it feels like I’m making some wild jumps and grasping at straws to draw some strange conclusions here. Maybe all sexual thoughts aren’t meant to be deciphered and defined, but the realization at how weird I am irritates me sometimes :’) besides my partners’ acceptance, I’d be glad to know what the community thinks so I can stop limit my spiraling and worrying!