I was pushed really hard to feel insecure about my sexuality and now I just life a life of overcompensating
i dont know if i really understand this but its how i see it for now. when i was reeally young, i had this huge crush on older sister's guy friend. he took an interest in me and hung out with me and my best friend. we looked up to him a lot and he told us all the time how much we NEEDED to be ready for boys and no one would like us if we didn't have experience. we took it all in and he basically convinced us we had to be porn stars if we wanted a social life.
it started with him getting us to kiss him for 'practice'. we did it a few times but it made us really uncomfortable and we said no. then he suggested we practice with each other. that seemed weird but not as uncomfortable so we tried it a bit and he was really pushing us to keep going.
it was weird between us for a bit after doing that, but then she really awkwardly said she wanted to try it again cause maybe it would be better and we really did need to learn how to kiss. she talked me into it, and she was right, it was easier without him watching us.
To skip over a lot of details, we started doing it a lot and then all the time. To us it was always just this 'practice" thing we did, and it was fun, but we didnt think of it the same way as when we kissed boys.
The same kind of insecurity made us watch a lot of porn to learn about sex and what makes a girl sexy and attractive and desireable and thats all we wanted. it was weird at first too, but again it got easier over time and we really got into it. we used what we saw there to push the boundaries in what we did with each other and watched and experimented and tried everything we could think of. before too long we were taking nude pics of each other, cuddling naked, doing all kinds of sexual stuff together. literally it was like a year before we were like, wait i think we're bi, haha.
so we carried that kind of insecurity and need to perform with us and we were doing porn start shit when other girls were hardly doing anything with boys. it kind of set us down a certain kind of path, and now even today i always feel the need to be the "best" at sex, i guess? Like i have to be the one who's willing to do what other girls won't, and i have to be the one who will give people absolutely memorable and special experiences so they'll always remember me and think of me that way.
like ok, yeah I have a lot of fun, and I have some amazing experiences and I love it. But sometimes i wish i could just chill about it and be a little vanilla like other girls. But then that also sounds so boring to me now. I don't know what to do, or what i'm supposed to feel about this.