u/throwaway29393902

When I hear other girls talking about how men directly pay their bills and everything for them I will admit I get a little jealous, but then I remind myself I spoil myself like a MF. I just went on a solo trip to a big city and I took myself out on dates, to shows, drinks, and it was the best trip I had in a long time. Men have never done this for me. And when they do they always want sex. The one time I traveled with a man, he paid for the whole trip but he sent me right back the next day and threw a fit at me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I used to always attract broke and cheap losers. It’s not even a self esteem thing - my mother was a massive gold digger and pick me, my stepfather had money but he was very shitty and my mother still stayed. So I hated (and still hate) the idea of dating or marrying a man only for his money. Also I’m not even masculine, I’m more on the feminine side and I’ve always been told that I’m attractive but I’m aroace and never even liked most men. I’m also AuDHD so I can come off awkward at times. Sometimes I do wish men spoil me more cause it would make things easier especially in this economy 😂😂😂

No, I NEED to get out of dancing.

3 years ago when I started, I didn’t know where it was going to take me. I was in a shithole, depressed and suicidal as shit. I just needed something to help me live. And I decided to get in this game. And now it is killing me.

The last 3 years have been just a cycle of autopilot. Make money then spend it as soon as I have it. Sure as shit, I got addicted to the fast life. But that wasn’t the only mistake I made.

I trusted the wrong fucking people. I saw the wrong people as friends. I couldn’t separate between my club self and real self, because there was neither. I was the same both ways. The club was just the beginning of me getting paid to do what I was conditioned to do my whole life.

Now every single shift I am reminded of the past and it’s getting harder to come in every day. And my trauma was so bad that I gained a shit ton of weight and absolutely hate the male gaze now. People don’t approach me as often anymore, and that I love. But that makes it very hard at the club.

I am no longer the hot sweet skinny naive girl that I was 3 years ago. I used to get so much attention and money EASILY. And I didn’t know shit about dancing. I knew absolutely no one in the club and I didn’t know anyone who was a stripper.

I’m still figuring out who I am and I still don’t completely know who the fuck I am, but I know damn well I am not this anymore. Whatever the fuck this is.

I shouldn’t have fucking spent all my money. But shit, I didn’t know if I was even going to live. I would have never thought I’d be the person I am now. But if I knew who I was going to be now, I would have saved and gone the fuck out as soon as I could afford it.

I just want to start a new life somewhere. Ideally California. I literally don’t give a fuck that it’s expensive, I’ve always wanted to be there. But I’ve never been there before still and I was scared as shit to move.

I literally don’t care if I achieve my dreams and passions or not, I literally just want to get the fuck out of here. All of this.

I’m not suicidal like I was before, but I’m just fucking tired. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. But I have no choice. I have to.

That day seems just so fucking far away. I know it will happen. But for now, I have to get through the pain, anger, tears and regret.

I’ve done this before. I’ve been through the dust before. And I’ll do it again.

But this time it will be done for good.

IN FACT I PROBABLY HAVE EVEN MORE TRAUMA CUZ OF ALL THE SHIT MEN HAVE DONE TO ME INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE CLUB. I HAD SO MANY SHITTY GUY “FRIENDS” AND THE CLUB JUST REMINDS ME OF THEM AND THE PAST. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

eta: some of the men I was “friends” with were from the club. I couldn’t separate my club self and real self because I was the same both ways. I was a pathetic, insecure, lonely, lowkey self absorbed pick me weirdo.

I used to think I was a “guys’ girl” because I struggled a lot with making female friends (and friends in general) but men would always approach me and be super friendly with me. Turned out almost every single one of them had ulterior motives and just wanted more. But not only that, they were straight up awful and toxic. I was harassed, threatened, guilt tripped and even SAed because I wouldn’t return their “feelings” for me. The reason why this happened was because I had a lot of issues from family trauma that I didn’t realize at the time. My mother was an absolute narcissist pick me (no contact for 3 years) and she passed that on to me. I was the epitome of the male gaze and I took pride in it.

Now I’m still dancing for the money but I fucking cringe at the idea of being the sexy sultry male gaze Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie even though that was exactly what I wanted to be years ago. My style now is a little more camp and less male gazey but I don’t want to lose out on money because of that. I do have a part time vanilla job which helps with my mental health. But I don’t know what to do with dancing. Sometimes I miss the old me even though she was hurt and vulnerable as hell. Toxic even. I literally just want that sexy energy back for the money.

I used to ALWAYS be around men, I had tons of male “friends” and went on dates left and right. I was also younger, thinner and more male gazey. Ngl I was lowkey a pick me, I loved male attention and I was pretty insecure, which wasn’t good but it was making me MONEY. But a lot of the men I was hanging out with were toxic as shit, to the point where over a year ago I decided to swear off men completely. I got burned by so many of them to the point where I cannot be around them anymore, not even as friends. The only time I’m around men is when I’m in the club or with my dad. I have not had any male friends, been on a date, had a roster, hooked up or been intimate with anyone for over a year - straight celibacy.

I also gained 20 lbs from overeating (trauma coping) and started absolutely hating the male gaze even though I still try to look hot and sexy for the custies. But it has not been the same as it used to. This job lowkey reminds me of the trauma I went through with the men in my past and my childhood, every day I just want to get out of this life more but I can’t because I can’t afford to yet. I used to love stripping, and I still love performing but now it feels like a chore cuz I used to do the same shit for free before I started and I hate being reminded of that shit. I wasn’t attracted to most people before and I’m definitely still not. All I wanted was attention, validation and money. Now I only want the last one.

I really wish I saved my money the last 3 years I’ve been dancing. As long as I stay I have to keep being a fantasy but it’s been so much harder these days. I’ve almost forgotten what I was like back then cuz I try to stay away from the girl I was. But I feel like it’s been fucking up my money. I’m honestly considering texting the guy I used to have a huge crush on cuz he was the only guy that made me feel genuinely sexy and feminine, and the only one I actually liked out of all those men in my past, but I shouldn’t cuz I’d look embarrassing af. What should I do y’all 😩🥲

I used to ALWAYS be around men, I had tons of male “friends” and went on dates left and right. I was also younger, thinner and more male gazey. Ngl I was lowkey a pick me, I loved male attention and it was making me MONEY. But a lot of the men I was hanging out with were toxic as shit, to the point where over a year ago I decided to swear off men completely. I got burned by so many of them to the point where I cannot be around them anymore, not even as friends. The only time I’m around men is when I’m in the club or with my dad. I have not been on a date, had a roster, hooked up or been intimate with anyone for over a year - straight celibacy.

I also gained 20 lbs and started absolutely hating the male gaze even though I still try to look hot and sexy for the custies. But it has not been the same as it used to. This job lowkey reminds me of the trauma I went through with the men in my past and my childhood, every day I just want to get out of this life more but I can’t because I can’t afford to yet. I used to love stripping, and I still love performing but now it feels like a chore cuz I used to do the same shit for free before I started and I hate being reminded of that shit.

I really wish I saved my money the last 3 years I’ve been dancing. As long as I stay I have to keep being a fantasy but it’s been so much harder these days. I’ve almost forgotten what I was like back then cuz I try to stay away from the girl I was. But I feel like it’s been fucking up my money. I’m honestly considering texting the guy I used to have a huge crush on cuz he was the only guy that made me feel genuinely sexy and the only one I actually liked out of all those men in my past, but I shouldn’t cuz I’d look embarrassing af. What should I do y’all 😩🥲