Guys it’s rough out here :(
It’s so hard to find someone who isn’t like a porn addled moron who only sees you as a kink dispenser.
Or is comfortable enough in their subbiness to not just block you after they nut or whatever.
I would say I’m an attractive, kind, intelligent person. I go to a great uni, I’m in healthcare. I help people every day. I’m also a pretty experienced domme, I’m active in the scene and go to events and have been in the game since I was pretty young. Discovered myself pretty early in that sense. I’m generally a very happy and fulfilled person, and am lucky enough that I don’t feel like I have to have a partner to live a good life.
I’m also doting and caring and I feel like it’s in my nature to expect the best from people. Which is great for my job but sucks for my love life.
I get a lot of dms saying- ‘can you do xyz to me’. Or who want to sext and just use me as wank material. It took me way too long and way too many disappointments to realise that I shouldn’t be relying on those types to form relationships. But the thing is, some of them seem so normal.
A lot of ‘subs’ seem to conflate being submissive with a sexual fantasy where they play a traditionally ‘submissive’ role. Pegging for example.
Is submission not the actual need to be of service, to one whose desires you put above your own? Not because there’s a reward or because you’re horny, but because there is an actual need to fulfil their needs and desires.
And I wanna clarify I don’t mean like a traditional service sub in the kinky sense, I mean someone who prioritises what I want as well, instead of just expecting me to cater to their needs.
I’ve had a long term d/s relationship before. I miss the feeling. I just want to have a sub and be completely and irrevocably in love with him and him with me. It just feels like too much to ask. I feel like the only lover girl in a frighteningly and increasingly superficial world.
I’m generally not a hater of porn (heck I use it all the time) but it does make me think that from cavemen and all the way up to when the camera was invented, we were meant to see just a couple really stunningly beautiful people in our lives.
Probably also doesn’t help that I’m quite young (early 20s) and exclusively date within my age range (uni students or people freshly graduated). Might be an age thing. Still holding out hope that as people get older maybe it’ll iron itself out.
I’m pretty active in two quite decently sized scenes (at risk of doxxing myself)- London and Bristol, and have had good experiences in both. I try to go to munches as often as I can, there’s a new femdom munch in Bristol, but find it’s hard since I’m very frequently between the two. And travel to London for munches can get quite expensive/time consuming.
I like when I’m approached but also explicitly given the option to back out, so zero expectations. A lot of people online/from apps tend to expect play straight away after drinks or soemthing, and while I’m not explicitly opposed to that, it does deter me from meeting new people.
In my experience, kink only gets better exponentially the better you know someone and the longer you play together. I’ve had two meaningful long ish term relationships in that sense. So it’s ultimately what I’m after. But am tired of being seen as disposable by many ‘subs’.
I’m currently seeing someone who’s solo poly and it’s going really well, but while I don’t label myself as anything in particular, I do think I err on the more monogamous side, or ENM at most. A lot of the people I meet irl on the scene are poly, which I respect, but as someone ultimately looking for monogamous ish, it does feel a bit like I’m hunting for a unicorn.
I’m also pretty confident irl so if I meet you and think we might be able to build something there, I’ll make damn sure you know. Not sure what else I ca do.
Unfortunately because I do have limited free time and am doing such an intensive course plus working, I am quite picky with partners as well.
Just feeling very defeated.
Hoping to hear some heartwarming success stories or any advice.