I think the age gap finally got to him.
I've been seeing this man for about three years. Always casual, on agreement. He was my college professor and tutor for my thesis, we started our "thing" a month after I graduated.
We have had some talks about dense things in these three years: about actually dating (sometimes I was against it, sometimes he was), living together (same as with dating), and the traumas that made us bond: he (47) has a daughter one year older than me (I am 29, she's 30) and he always had issues connecting with her, he was forced out of her life when she was a baby and only connected years later, which deeply marked him and tainted that relationship.
On my side, I was abandoned by my dad. At times I saw him, when he was my thesis guide, as a paternal figure. That changed rapidly once I graduated and started working in academia myself: I immediately went to him for advice, he quickly turned down the mentoring role, and the rest is history.
We have, however, admitted to each other that our bond is related to this dynamic.
However, I think after these years I've seen him in different lights. Last December he fell ill, he asked me to help, I took him to get a colonoscopy, I spoke with the doctors, and then when he got sick again in February he once again approached me to help. I drove him to the clinic, caressed him when he cried about feeling vulnerable, while he told me that vulnerability made him unable to connect with anyone, even family.
After that, something broke. He promised we'd do a thing, we didn't, I got upset that he wasn't respecting my times. After I got upset he asked for time apart, then we didn't see each other for a while, then when we met again I had made up my mind: I did want more, I did want to continue being there for him, same as he was with me. I wanted to take that role fully, that also meant existing outside of his place, of his room.
He's been distant ever since. He said he didn't want me depending on him, that I was too young to know what I wanted, that I needed to live more things. He said maybe in the future we could have something, but not now, he couldn't trust that I was being honest with him and to myself.
That was a month ago. He is now not replying to my messages. He has a blog and wrote about us: he thinks our "thing", although beautiful, was illicit, sinful, and that although love was present, it was shrouded in lies.
I don't share that view at all, but it seems it isn't up to discussion. I'm just really sad to feel I could see a man in him, sometimes even a child, and not a father, but that he can only see a daughter in me. I guess this long post is just to hear about other people going through the same, I am not sure where to start healing... I'm not sure what it is that needs healing yet...