u/uncknown114

  I’ve been through sexual trauma my entire life, it’s all been normalized to me. From a young age I would do inappropriate things with my girl friends, I was shown porn, eventually it got hands on. 

  When I got older, about 13 i was raped by a boy a bit older then me, I was unsure of his age. It didn’t affect me much at first, I think due to the shock. After that I wasn’t the same though.

 i never understood why I was so hyper-sexual, why I fantasized about things like being kidnapped, raped. I knew it was bad, and wouldn’t ever wish it upon another woman. It disgusted me. As the years passed I continued to meet bad man after bad man. I allowed, a lot of men to use me for my body, continuously. It became  my new normal. I felt so comfortable getting undressed in front of anyone practically. 

  When I was 15 I met a senior who went to my school, and i was immediately infatuated with him. We would meet up, have sex, that was it. No intimate talks, no public interaction. Just a warm body.

Eventually, when we did date, he became abusive, and controlling. My family made me cut ties.

  When I was 16, I decided to get drunk with my boyfriend before going out with a couple of friends. I was pretty wasted when they arrived, and as I got in and assessed the situation I realized it was me, two other guys in the backseat, with my friend and her boyfriend driving. I sat next to the window, my best friends ex in the middle, we will call him E. 

  I had met E a couple other times before this instance, pretty well acquainted. He never ever had much to say to me, besides at our most recent interaction previous to this night. He offered me his vape, which was burnt. He then asked for mine, which i replied “of course!” He smiled at me and said, “I know, I was just asking to be nice.” He had a way of being the most likable person in the room constantly. 

  As the car ride progressed and me and E got along, he rested his hand on my thigh, calmly. I think to test the waters? My heart sunk when he started gripping my thigh gently. If my best friend saw she would certainly blame me, can’t really call her a best friend. I stayed quiet. The music blared louder.

  When we got back to her place, I was coming off of my drunk ness quite a bit and took a couple more shots to set me in place. We all hung out in the garage besides E, he stayed inside. My friend had  questioned why he was being weird all night. I panicked. My phone neared dead, so I went inside to retrieve a charger, I thought I was safe considering she had family around. As I entered her room, E followed in behind me and shut the lights off. It seemed to be in one swift motion that he grabbed my by the neck and forcefully kissed me. I wanted to cry, all I could think about was getting caught. When we heard someone coming he pulled away and i rushed out.

  Later that night I slept alone in the living room, hoping to forget everything that happened that night. I woke up to the sensation of someone touching me. They were stroking my pussy while positioning themselves on top of me and when i realized what was happening I opened my eyes to see E. I didn’t say anything, I just did what he told me to.

Everr since then tho, I feel like I cannot stop fantasizing about relations with older men, men in my life etc. felt ashamed before but I’m surprised to say I don’t anymore. It feels normal. I constantly flirt with my boss, desperately hoping he will take advantage of me. I think of almost every man in my life sexually. I often have trouble maintaining normal relationships because I sexualize myself so much.and I think I’m struggling with my boyfriend because he won’t play into these fantasies. Which is secretly making me resent him. Advice? :p