u/AliceTinybox

For context, I’ve been severely addicted to ketamine for around a year. I used to do well financially, but now I’m really struggling, its the 20th of the month my next pay coming in more than two weeks. I have nothing, blew it all with ketamine.

I can’t ask for money from my friends because everyone is struggling, I can’t find a way to get quick money. My financial situation has caused me to reduce my monthly use a little. But I’m still very dependant.

I have been feeling awful recently. I have BPD, every time I feel low, depressed, suicidal, I resort to ketamine because that is the only thing I know how to do.

But since I can’t afford it right now, I rely on medication and alcohol that I can get for free. Last night, I was feeling so bad, I mixed the two, in such a large amount, I thought I was going to die. I’m still feeling weird and confused.

I’m afraid it will happen again soon, I’m afraid I will put myself in danger. I can’t get some ket, I dont want to mess around with my medication. But I genuinely don’t know how to unwind, I hate calling the helplines because I had a very bad experience with the people on the phone.

So my question is: what do you when you want to cope with emotional distress with no drugs in sight, I’ve been doing this for so long, I don’t know how to calm myself down without abusing substances.

I,m feeling awful. I really want to harm myself usually I do large amounts dr\*\*s and self h\*\*m. But I ran out of money and I resorted to Benzos and alcohol and I really want to die. I have many more meds and alcohol in my apartment.
Last time I called the emergency services an ambulance came and the people were awful. I have a lot of scars on my body andthe people who came to my home were very judgemental because I’m an addict. They acted like I was wasting their time and kept asking me, why would I do that and kept telling me it was stupid of me, they made me feel like I was the worst person on Earth, I started crying and they just kept telling me to stop and just go with them to the hospital. The hospital is awful. It gives me serious panic attacks I don’t want to go. I don’t want to call them but I’m scared. My vision is blurry, I struggle to move, to write. And I want to keep going. I’m panicking right now, but I’m just so scared of them. Maybe calling a suicide helpline might be better than the emergency services, one time there was good people, who were very good at handling mental health issues, but most of the time, it was awful, I feel like I should just keep doing it and just end it all. Sorry if my post is messy, I’m scared, confused and very disoriented .