She asks me first then Cheats anyways
I [M26] was with my girlfriend [F23] for 4 years, and I was completely convinced I knew and loved her. Looking back, there were little things that should’ve made me suspicious. One question she used to ask me almost casually was, “If I ever cheated on you, how would you find out?” I’d laugh and say, “You wouldn’t cheat on me.” She’d just smile and change the subject.
At the time, I thought it was some weird hypothetical. Then, about a month before we broke up, I had her phone and started scrolling through her messages. That’s when everything changed. There were conversations with multiple guys. Flirty messages. Secret plans. Intimate recordings. Messages where she talked about how attracted she was to other men, including Black guys she apparently been seeing behind my back. At first I had just seen couple of the videos. But the second night that I went through it all I was using my headphones and the sound was loud. She was moaning and screaming like crazy while guys pounded her like psychopaths that had been sex hungry for years. In one of the videos she kept squirting over and over for 20 minutes straight before it ended with him finished inside her mouth. She swallowed it all like a good girl that she is and smiled and said, “my boyfriend is waiting for me in bed. I better get going.” Coming back to reality and suddenly that stupid question came rushing back into my head. “If I ever cheated on you, how would you find out?” She already knew the answer. I just didn’t know it yet.
I was devastated and heartbroken at first. Then furious. Then came the humiliation. But somewhere in that mess, something incredibly confusing happened. The more I thought about her with other men, the more my jealousy started mixing with something else. Curiosity. Then excitement. I just couldn’t stop imagining her getting dressed up knowing she was going to meet someone else and was going to get railed like a total true slut that she is. I kept wondering what she told them about me. Wondering what they knew about our relationship. Wondering whether she compared us and the sizes. And the fact that some of the guys were physically better looking than me made the whole thing hit my ego even harder. Not to mention the BBCs. I hated that thought. But I also couldn’t deny the reaction it gave me.
That was when I started wondering whether there was something seriously different about me. Because the same discovery that broke my heart was also unlocking a fantasy I’d never admitted to having. By the time we finally ended things, I wasn’t just left with the question of why did she do this? I was left with an even stranger question, Why did part of me find it so damn exciting? Her getting bent over and tossed and picked up and fucked in mid air by a guy that would cause her way more pain than I ever could. I went into that relationship thinking I knew exactly what I wanted. I came out wondering if getting betrayed had accidentally revealed a side of my sexuality I’d been completely unaware of. And honestly, that’s probably the most fucked-up part of the entire story.