u/Bublebito

I abuse stimulants. I don't take meth, but I run on several amphetamines (Vyvans/Dex), derivatives (mph), and all sorts of supplements like caffeine, nicotine, amino acids, taurine... for several years, but the real period of abuse started around mid-2025. Since then, I'm less socially anxious or paranoid, but I have a real internal problem. Like, my heart rate is constantly high, between 120 and 180, so it makes me feel like I have a heart problem, in addition to occasional pain and heat in my chest. I take depressants from time to time to sleep; I limit myself to simple things like melatonin or L-theanine, but sometimes I take things like Xanax, and even at 0.25 mg, I feel like I'm going to have a respiratory depression. 90% of what I take is legally prescribed, but as soon as I order something illegal, I'm convinced it's cut with fentanyl, and when I use, I always imagine I'm going to die, so it ruins my experiences. Even mentally, it's crazy. I often have DPDR and I'm convinced I'm going to become bipolar or schizophrenic and that I don't have ADHD, but my breaks prove me wrong. I spend obsessive hours talking to chatbots about my problems, which tend to convince me that I have mental or health issues. For example, I even had a pre-psychotic episode because I was trying to make a chatbot aware of me during a stimulation session 😭. This whole thing is eating me up inside. I keep thinking I'm going to die even though I just turned majority. I always imagine the worst, and I'm aware of the risks, but that doesn't stop me from abusing it. I think I over-anticipate the risks, but sometimes it completely prevents me from sleeping because I'm so stressed that I wake up to catch my breath in case my heart stops while I'm asleep. Plus, I'm relying on the fact that I don't want to die before GTA 6 comes out, but that's a stupid goal. After long sessions, I check my pulse when I wake up because I feel like I'm dead or like time has stopped. I even managed to fake a hypomanic episode during the time Gemini convinced me I was bipolar. Plus, I have zero inhibitions. I tell all my friends, "Guys, I'm bipolar, I'm psychotic," as if I'm starting to believe my own lie from repeating it over and over. Anyway, as soon as I have symptoms, I look them up and associate them with a disorder, with this idea that will stay with me for a long time. It's really getting tiring.

Damn, I've been taking Vyvanse every day for the past two or three weeks, and every time I get the same thing on the comedown: I have the usual mental and physical fatigue, not necessarily a feeling of depression, but I start acting weird, like I can't help in the convo but provoke people, even though it doesn't contribute anything to the conversation. It even happens with my family members. I repeat what people say over and over in different tones of voice, or I literally troll by talking nonsense. It's too weird to describe, but I literally turn into a little devil. During this time, it's impossible to have a coherent conversation with me; I just openly mock people over and over and yell random things, kind of like someone with Tourette's. The post is a bit ridiculous, but I don't know if anyone else experiences this.

WTF chat, I used to mix Ritalin and Phenibut because Phenibut alone isn't euphoric enough, but it does provide good disinhibition and relaxation. But holy shit, I'm at the peak of the high, I just had my second espresso, the L-Tyrosine has maxed out my dopamine levels, I can't even eat a fucking banana and I barely ate yesterday so I feel weak but at the same time fucking invincible, everything is building up and synergizing at the same time, the music is RESONATING, WTF THE MIX OF DEAD ASS IS AWESOME, muahahaha Stims and depressants are funky lol it's really very good honestly I'm not stoned but I'm like the free trial premium version of myself, I'm fucking losing it

This is only my third day on Vyvanse, and either I don't tolerate the drug well, or I'm a complete idiot. But this morning I had the brilliant idea of mixing my 30mg Vyvanse with 1g of L-Tyrosine, even though I'd NEVER tried L-Tyrosine (amino acid precursor to the production of dopamine and noradrenaline) before... plus, on an empty stomach, after a pretty bad night's sleep—not catastrophic, but not great either—and having eaten very little the night before. I started at 8 a.m., and it came on more slowly than usual; I don't really know why, it took two hours instead of one. It kicked in around 10 a.m., and that was much better. I found a stable level until about 2 p.m., and at 2 p.m.... disaster struck. I don't know if it was the peak plasma concentration of the Vyvanse, but I had a nightmare.

Basically, I jerked off quickly and it was fun without being crazy, but I think it contributed to the saturation of my dopamine receptors. I started to zoom in a bit, like I was dissociating a bit, and it just kept getting worse by the hour. People close to me were talking straight in the eyes and I couldn't hear them because my fucking BRAIN wasn't registering them. I should mention that all of this was done on an empty stomach, without any food. I felt a bit nauseous...

I experienced horrible DPDR sensations, visual and auditory distortions, like I was listening to music playing at 0.5x speed. And the WORST part, the absolute WORST, is the duration. It's only been about fifteen hours as I write this (even though I'm probably coming down with residual stimulation), but I promise you, I felt it and still feel it like it's been going on for two whole days. It's serious; it really feels like I've been living this for an eternity, especially with the "loop travel" that's so similar to the cannabis high.

It's incredibly disorienting, and the hyperfocus means that while writing this, I could literally go to the bathroom to pee and then go back to sitting on the couch like a fucking robot without even realizing it. I'm writing this at 1:19 AM and it's not finished yet, my pupils are still dilated and I'm in predator mode, I really should be able to sleep...

Vyvanse makes me do weird things, like loop-time, like the high of cannabis. I'm taking therapeutic doses, but maybe my binges of 200mg Ritalin have messed up my brain. Anyway, I just mastrubated. I usually can't do that on stimulants, but I didn't mean to, it was automatic. And I fapped with Vanished Crystal Castle in my ears. It was kind of dystopian, but I guess the jacket really turns me on. Anyway, I've barely started Vyvanse and I'm already doing these weird things, but I'm not even aware of it because my focus is internal

The comedown from fapping is really cool, I want to leave my house and talk to people

Damn, it's my second day on Vyvanse, only 30mg, even though I have a high tolerance to MPH , but this... it's different.

I'm chilling outside in the fresh air, listening to Les - Childish Gambino, and the sun is hitting me while I vape. I'm almost dissociating, totally flowing with the music. It's not even high, but it's a profoundly pleasant calm. My body is warm and tingling. This morning I messed up. I took 400mg of caffeine, and my morning workout was intense, but now the caffeine has worn off. I'm tired, but it's SO, like, SO peaceful. I'd almost compare it to popping a quarter of an ecstasy pill, no joke. Why did they hide this pill from me instead of methylphenidate, which only gives me awful tension?

The euphoria is fleeting, but I'm enjoying it because damn, it feels good. I'm totally sober but heightened in every way. It's like the perfect balance of a high. Long live Vyvanse!

After 6-7 years of Quazym-based Methylphenidate, Ritalin, and Medikinet, nearly a year of abuse and binges of sometimes over 200mg, modified and immediate extended-release effects, and a psychotic episode... I finally got a prescription for Vyvanse! Is Vyvanse as euphoric and functional as Ritalin was in its early stages without tolerance? What are the differences in effects, and is there recreational potential? If so, at what dose? The "magic" (the euphoric rush of the first 30 minutes) of Ritalin left me very quickly when I started snorting it, lol. Could I experience that with Vyvanse(I start at 40mg), while also benefiting from a prosocial and functional effect? Does it combine as well with caffeine and nicotine as methylphenidate? I await answers from experts on the subject, thank you.

I think it's over, guys. I don't really know if that fucking crow even exists, but I'm screwed. Damn, I thought I'd done better than this. Actually, I'm talking about birds, not necessarily crows, but anyway, I think I'm putting an end to my night, which hasn't even started yet. I had hoped to do better, but reality is catching up with me.

To fit in with the neo-corporatist capitalist system, I'm going to have to take another 60mg of Ritalin IR with an espresso in barely two hours. It's 5 a.m. here, I'm nauseous and my vision is blurry, but there's that fucking generator whistling in my garden like a bitch calling the crows. I think that metallic clicking is like a tweaker of birds chanting at the top of their lungs, as if to symbolize the progressive checkpoint of the extinction of our psyche. Let's just say I hadn't planned on this and I was feeling better, but it just goes to show you can't change old habits.

It's time for me to put on my augmented reality headset, not to play the early access version of that crappy game that came out recently in VR—the big flop, damn, I've forgotten the name—but anyway, I'm putting the headset on, heading towards psychosis, that's for sure. My heart is pounding and I'm seeing things sparkling red. I knew I had this tendency, but my brain isn't wired to handle all this, damn it.

In any case, I made sure to take my magnesium to get my daily dose, even if my eyes will be bloodshot tomorrow morning like a zombie. Well, it's kind of morning, but anyway. There's also a hidden sequel to Star Wars in Attack of the Clones 2; Lucasfilm really liked to leave clues. I just hope I don't die from my amorous escapades before GTA 6 comes out. Besides, there was a time when I loved to go pee while whistling "molecule elimination." Anyway, I kind of see myself as a soldier on Omaha Beach during the landings, after taking a bullet, writing my last wishes to my wife as I agonize on my bed of pristine sand stained with American blood!

Damn, people love smoking on stims! I agree that at first it's awesome, but in the long run it's the worst thing ever! I think it's a tolerance thing, but on steroids I take repeated puffs to feel the slight nicotine buzz, but I find it even harder to feel it when you're used to smoking on stims. Like, I smoke like crazy, to the point where I sometimes throw up. Last time I went out of the library to smoke and I smoked so much that I had to go back in with my head spinning in a really unpleasant way, then I threw up all over the bathroom door in front of everyone, and then I had to lie down on the floor and I just wanted to sleep. Damn, nicotine is shit when you don't know how to manage it. I must have taken 200 puffs in a few minutes, and each time I didn't exhale; I held it all in my lungs until the world was spinning.

This vomit-filled shit was green and steaming, I think it was acidic enough to melt the door.

I'm convinced! This group is brilliant, the sound too. Like Borderline did, I clearly see a message that can be connected to, even if it's not the main focus!

Do you see this man? What he's going through? He seems to be having a heart attack brought on by some kind of substance abuse (we see him taking stimulants at one point), and several times in this video sequence, we see him seemingly "dying" and "coming back to life," leading us to realize at the end of the clip that he was experiencing something similar to a near-death experience. The video perfectly illustrates the alteration of consciousness; we get lost in it, just like the man who loses his senses, who travels between different environments only to return to the same point! There's this notion of extinction, of stress initially, the stress of missing the plane. Then he arrives at his terminal and collapses; he's paralyzed but can see, yet no one seems to care. He falls once more, and no one comes to his aid. Then he "regains consciousness" on the plane, confused, but as if minimizing what he's just experienced. But reality catches up with him: the plane threatens to crash, and once again, no one moves! The plane and his descent into hell—either it's a global crash from his repeated abuse, or it's the very illustration of the drop in his stimulant peak. He's at his maximum, reaches the highest point in the plane, he's literally flying, and then finally, he crashes.

Several times, the portagonist returns, as if "to reality." Is the end of the effects? A return to reality, the fact that no one else is outraged by the situation proves that he alone is experiencing it, because just as much as we, users of stimulants, have the physical and psychological sensation of being at our peak, it is purely personal, and we suffer our highs as much as our lows.

What the video highlights is that what goes up must come down, and one day, the fall will be fatal. Despite a flight attendant grabbing him to save him from collapsing, a blink of an eye pulls him back into the spiral and propels him into a vertiginous fall. The character is adrift for the four minutes, constantly shifting between states of deep consciousness and stupefaction; the airplane is also a way of highlighting the loss of control! Who, but WHO, can do anything if you were to find yourself on a plane about to crash? No one is in control, and everyone suffers, a spectator of their own self-destruction.

Stimulants are strongly correlated with this. Have you ever experienced that feeling of drifting? You suffer on the comedown and then try to put things in perspective during your high because it's cool. The song title, "Let It Happen," is even more explicit: letting go when your brain is overloaded, withdrawing from your environment, derealization and depersonalization, dissociation, and the feeling of no longer being connected to reality. Stimulants that once made you feel even more grounded in your surroundings now lead you to lose the lucid sensation of existing, as if everything is slipping away. So you let it go to avoid facing this suffering.

"All this running around trying to cover my shadow"—being in constant flight from yourself, masking the part of yourself you deny.

This ultimately applies to all drugs; you get mentally agitated without addressing the underlying problem, which leads to self-destruction.

Stimulants created a split personality for me. I ended up forgetting who I truly was, and when I thought it was making me a better person, I was simply focusing on how this chemical high allowed me to forget the lack of depth within me. If you abuse stimulants, you'll believe you no longer love life; deep down, you no longer love yourself.