u/Certain_Effort_1858

Wow I love this feeling. Rn while I write this I feel the ketamine..I snorted 0.3 like a flower. So slow.. with my nose clean. I feel it coming up. I would describe it as a massage.

Is making me feel less tense. I feel free. I wake up to a new world. This is not the real life. There are differents realities and perspectives. Damn. Thank God I have this life.

The world is a mirror of a hell. And I don't want to be here. I want to go to heaven. But I have so much deep rooted in this earth. Who tf am I?? I'm my thoughts? I'm my decisions I'm my brain? I have a soul? I don't feel my heart.

I've been numb for a long time. I don't remember what's real.

Yahusha the real name of Jesus Christ. That's what pops in my mind.

Wow I'm full of rage. Father forgive me.

I'm conscious but I'm not here. I'm in another place. I'm in Last Christmas Song video

I just put the song. I feel relaxed. Now it's time for my IEMS (earbuds with wire for audio nerds)

Wow this is another feeling. I feel like a hug.

Man we are in MAY?? I remember the last Christmas tho. Like it was yesterday. What an amazing time. I would go back in time to that time.

But in my mind I only think I don't want to have any roots to the earth.. I know I don't belong here. But if my father said I had to came here. Here am I. I'm your servant. Lord.

I want to show the world how to love.. I want to show everyone that you are loved. I promess, i see it.

Don't you give up. Keep going. Keep going. There is something better waiting for you.

I'm listening to all I want for Christmas is you. I feel like is exaggerated happiness. I don't want to be happy just on December.

Man I have lived everything in this life. I just need to know how to stay sober. Like I was. Go to the gym again.

The love of my life is waiting . I want to dance with her. Sober

I put My Way - Frank Sinatra...

I literally did it my way. And I have no regrets. I did what i had to do.

I'm dancing with her. The love of my life. She's waiting for me. She knows I'm an addict and she still loves me.

I thought it would be impossible to find someone like her. Wow what an amazing face. I love you . But I love drugs more.

I don't know why. I'm trapped. I'm kidnapped. I'm sorry my love.

Now I put Maria I'm Drunk -Travis, Justin Bieber....

I would pay so much money for a joint rn.

This world feels good. I can't lie Lord.

With this sound quality feels better.

I feel nostalgic I put Again - Fetty Wap..

I remember before meeting her I was listening to this song on repeat.

Damn what an amazing memories. I was happy. I knew how happiness felt. I was sober after years. I remember how we walk in the field. I remember how I loved peanut butter. I remember her face when she drive. And she is still waiting. I can't believe it. God you gave me everything I always wanted. And I'm doing amphetamines, benzos,. ketamine.

Why? It feels amazing but I don't need it. I don't go to sleep. I just pass out in my bed. I wake up and I'm snorting amphetamine. I'm a beast in my job. They love me. I have ADHD so they can't see I'm high. I look literally normal.

Now I'm listening to the weeknd - hurry up tomorrow song

He says he is ready for the end.

I'm not. I'll keep going. My Love is waiting for me. My sister wants to play with me. My mom wants to see a man. I had a terrible infance. But I swear I don't have any remorse.

Like the song says. Mama I'm sorry.

I'm done with the lies, I'm done with the loss.

I want Heaven when i die.

I want to live like Jesus Christ says.

The weeknd - Given Up on me...

Man I know this man is not good for my brain to listen. But I see my reflections in the lyrics.

Oh reflections laughing. Another song.

Reflections looking back at me, they smiling....

I'm trapped inside a gilded cage.

That's me.

The call in the song always feels like my love is calling me.

I call this world "plastic world". I'm comfortable but I don't belong here that's for sure..

God blessed me with beauty and elegance, but it roots me more to this world.

Cn Tower - Drake....

I wish I miss you my love but feeling like a king is another level. I feel like Salomon in the Bible. Mercy me Lord.

I'm going to do a few more lines, and I need water.

.

.

.

I'm back. I'm listening Mojabi Ghost - Bad Bunny (not a beautiful song)

My Love. Drugs makes me feel better. But I know it's fake.

I know it changes.

I know how to stay sober.

Now I'm listening

Bad bunny - Where she goes

Wow time is no more.

No time

I'm outside time.

I'm flying . And conscious .

This music sounds really good. But the lyrics are a bit trash.

I'm listening to She doesn't mind - Sean Paul

I'm. Enjoying it

I remember when I was a kid. I don't know but music sounds robotic.

I feel like I have the key to escape this world.

Like it's easy.

I'm listening to Club Can't Handle me

My infance was hard. I suffered so much. I'm sorry little me.

You are the key. I'm a man today. A real man. I'm like a wall.

No one tries to push my buttons because i put limits. I'm the person I always wanted to be.

I'm listening to Drake - 9

And now Baby hello - Rauw Alejandro

It gives me memories of when I was in my worst state. I wanted to suicide, I literally wanted to kill myself.

But what a fucking story. I'm still alive.

Let's go but where?

I'm talking with a friend about improving in life. He says you can always do better, but I say you are enough just the way you are.

I always thought that my opinion didn't matter as a kid. But it matters so much because I'm so much worth it .

I never shut up, if I don't like something i say it.. if I don't want something i say it .if someone says something that shouldn't say. I tell to that person face to face what I think . It's like my inner child is happy because he has someone to defend him.. my little boy. He is happy because I'm untouchable, honestly.

I can intimidate so much if I want.

But I'm pure love. But I don't accept the same shit as a kid. I recognize hierarchies. I'm not stupid. And I know how to act. This world is mine. But I don't want it.

I'm going to do a few lines agsin

. . . I'm.back it's 7am and I want to go to see my father. He was an addict too and it's in recovery. And I know he needs me. He's clean rn. It's awesome.

Listening to The weeknd - Given Up On Me.

My sunshiiiineee

Oh Lord don't you give up on me .

Oh Lord my company mercy me.

I woke up feeling great, I was feeling fine. I did a few lines. And at first it was pleasurable. But when I sat down in the train 15 min later. I was nodding like a heroin addict.

And other days it makes me tweak like a middle age star child.

It's a 30/40% caffeine I'm sure. But sometimes it hits wild.

I snort speed(street amphetamine) and ketamine.

Ketamine sometimes blows me up. With two little lines. And sometimes it doesn't do shit even if I snort 3 big lines.

It's my nose? I always rinse and clean it after snorting. It's some weird tolerance? I've been 1 week doing it.

I'm snorting it so slow and smooth like sniffing a flower. What's going on? I have taken a little 2 bumps of ketamine after a big dose of amphetamine and still felt it really good.