I feel like a terrible mother
I (F47) don’t even know why I’m on here. I think I just stupidly want some type of justification for my actions and I know this is the only place I won’t feel like the worst mom ever.
I love my son. But I had a lot of problems. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol post my pregnancy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. My husband and father of child never understood it. He abused my son and I constantly but I was always seen as an unfit parent because of my drug use. When my husband divorced me I lost custody of my son and went on to live a pathetic life without them.
I ended up eventually going to rehab which saved my life. It took me years and even today I fight the urge to go to back to that life. I was officially 4-years sober when I made it my mission to find my son again. I did manage to locate them fairly easily. My parents always knew about their whereabouts but never reached out.
I finally got in touch with my son and we met up. He looked in bad shape. I was so happy to see him but he was so neutral. He heard a lot of bad things about me unfortunately, almost like he was brainwashed to believe I was horrible, which honestly I kinda was. We hung out a couple times until he asked me if there was any way he his sister (not my daughter) could run away with me. He explained the years of physical and emotional abuse, how my ex husband remarried, had a daughter and how toxic the household was.
I don’t want to bore you with all the details but I brought this case to court and after losing custody of my son I finally won custody of him again. I also took in his sister of course. I finally felt like I won in life. But I didn’t realize the challenges that were heading my way.
They were incredibly needy. They weren’t young but they acted young. They were also very anti social. Stayed home all the time, they didn’t like themselves at all, which broke my heart. I did everything in my power to be there for them, I even quit part time job (I’m broke as hell anyways) and lived off my parents until my kids felt comfortable with me and their new situation.
I thought I was doing good but maybe I was doing too much because they got EXTREMELY close with me. They would only want to sleep on the same bed as me. They were attached to me like a glove. I didn’t think it was a big deal because I hadn’t felt that type of love in over a decade.
Things took a weird turn when we were just casually cuddling before sleeping and they both started kissing me. It was normal for them to hug and kiss my cheeks but my son then kissed my lips. I was startled and he almost immediately started to cry. His sister was just looking nervously. I hugged him and apologized so he kissed me again on the lips. I kissed him back. He kept kissing me and I unfortunately kept kissing him.
His sister then continued to kiss my cheek and my neck it all felt so weird. He wouldn’t stop kissing me and at this point I had lost control of myself. We basically started making out. Not just me and him but I started making out with his sister too. We were kissing each other for what felt like the whole night. I never felt anything quite like that.
They were happy but I felt so disgusted about it after. I really feel like I took advantage of their trauma while also trying to recover from my own trauma and loneliness. They sleep naked with me now and we kiss every now and then. I don’t sleep naked with them I just can’t cross that boundary. I know I am going to hell for this and I feel terrible about it every single day. It’s almost like I’m hurting them in a different way.
The only way this ends is if I leave them but I cannot do that, not again.