The Mental Relapse is Real
They warned me it's right around the 90 day mark that a lot of people tap out, and sure as shit, I'm a week away from hitting 90 and it's been getting rough.
Alcohol was my primary love, and that's what got me into trouble time after time again. I'm not interested in it at all, last time I drank I came really close to successfully ending it all, and that scares the shit out of me because I'm not ready to go out yet.
Stims were secondary. They weren't every day like booze, but they made me into a weekend warrior. I've racked up quite a bit of debt from weekly eight balls that I'm still paying off. That's what's been calling me hard lately, and it's getting really hard to drown out. First it was only blow and pharma, I **never** wanted to try ice before because I knew it would hook me. I got conned with fake Adderall, and sure as shit, I ended up loving it. So much so that my first binge lasted for several days until I got pyschosis and fucked everything up. As if I didn't learn my lesson, it came calling again and I ended up doing it again a couple months later, this time intentionally seeking it out, and again leading to another week long bender that only ended when the pyschosis kicked in.
I guess I'm writing this to tell on myself. I can't share this shit with my folks, they were horrified to find out I messed around with drugs to begin with, and even though I don't intend to go through with these feelings, it would scare the shit out of them to hear I'm having these thoughts. It's like I'm looking back at the good experiences with rose colored glasses again, I know the consequences would be severe if I did use again, but fuck these thoughts are driving me insane.
I need some horror stories. Anything. Just the zombie feeling after two nights without sleep up to hearing the voices in the air vents saying terrible things and acting on it. Please remind me of the horrid shit that made me want to stop the madness.