Im a magnet for trauma bonds, because I’m so hopeful; I believe in the good in people and I’m so trusting. I yearn for that hope that the good parts of the relationship will stay and the bad parts won’t come back. Not to make this complicated, but I want the bad parts to come back.. because I get off on the humiliation. Now how would I ever escape this trap? I can’t and this is why I’m a magnet and am addicted to trauma bonds. It wasn’t until my recent encounter with someone that I actually had a therapist explain that I experienced a trauma bond and what that is.
Now that there’s a name for this, I can see I’ve had this run-in with trauma bonds for a while. One of my first college crushes (let’s call him E) swept me off my feet for a few days. We matched sexual energies, and I was completely enamored. When I was totally hooked on him, he started asking me to do things for him, favors for his friends. And because I wanted to make sure he was happy, I usually ended up doing them in fear of losing him. He gave me just enough love and attention to keep me hooked and to put me through cycle after cycle of humiliation. That hope, that the good parts will stay and the bad parts will stop, is my kryptonite.
But what happens when I get turned on so much by this humiliation?? I feel like this experience with E is the reason why I have fantasies of watching the person I love fuck another girl in front of me. He’s the reason why I’m addicted to cuckquean and male cheating porn. The humiliation makes me cum so easily and multiple times. If there’s any interest in what things E made me do, I wrote them below.
———————
I was 18 when I first met E. Went through a brief love bombing period and he knew he had me hooked. E called me one night while I was having dinner with friends and said he wanted me to come over and strip for him and his friends. I was way too shy and said no. I was also hurt. But he convinced me to see him so he could apologize, only to guilt me into stripping for him and his friends anyway. I remember being so nervous and it was so dark and alot of camera flashes. He consoled me by fucking me and then leaving me alone in that building to get home myself.
Another time, he called me less than an hour before he was supposed to come over to my apartment for dinner and a movie. He told me I was going to let him and his friend fuck me at the same time. He always made me thank him after these “favors” for his friends.
A year or so later, I called him in tears because the boyfriend I had finally moved on with, someone I was crazy in love with, had broken it off. I had hoped E would have empathy and be there for me. Instead, he made me drive all the way out to the middle of nowhere, met me in an empty church parking lot, and made me have sex with him in his car while I was crying and terrified we’d get caught. He used me for his pleasure, exploiting the fact that I was looking for emotional support and his company.
Later that year, when I was still trying to get over everything, he had me over. After he had sex with me, he led me to his roommate’s room, who was already in bed, watching porn. (This is the same person he brought over to my place a couple years and made me have a threesome) E made me sleep with him for as long as he wanted me there. I was crying the whole time, but I was also getting off on the humiliation. That’s a wild feeling to admit.
Out of an act of defiance I slept with someone he was friends with at a house party. When he found out, he took me outside and grabbed me so hard he left bruises and for the first time made any type of statement like this, that I was his and I only fuck who he tells me to fuck. He was so angry and normally, one would walk away from this forever. But I was so turned on and dripping wet from that encounter.
Our final meets up, which were after college was pretty devastating and although it’s been awhile now since I’ve heard from him, there was a time he would message me his IG stories with his beautiful Asian wife and baby daughter. Just to remind me I was always nothing to him but an object.