u/Defiant-Caramel2663

I’m trying to figure myself out and it’s been really hard because most of what I see online doesn’t match how I feel.

I’m a closeted femboy. I only really dress up at night, and even then I have to be careful. My door doesn’t have a lock, so I literally put something in front of it just so I don’t get walked in on. It makes everything feel stressful instead of enjoyable.

The part that confuses me is I don’t feel one-sided. Sometimes I want to be really feminine—I wish I could look softer, have more curves, even stuff like having a chest or a bigger butt. But at the same time, I also like being masculine sometimes. It depends on my mood. I don’t think I want to fully transition, but I still have these thoughts and it messes with my head.

I’m also pretty insecure about my body. I’m a little chubby and it makes me feel like I can’t pull off either side the way I want to. On top of that, I’m super self-conscious in general, so everything feels amplified.

I wish I could express this more openly—like decorating my room in a cute/feminine way or just existing how I want—but I can’t. My family and environment make it feel like I’d risk losing people if I came out or showed this side of myself. I know technically I could just ignore that and be myself, but it’s not that simple when it comes to family and friends.

It gets really frustrating and honestly kind of depressing sometimes because I feel like I can’t fully be myself. At the same time, I don’t even fully understand what “myself” is yet.

I feel stuck between two sides, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar—being closeted, having both masculine and feminine sides, or just feeling split like this—I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or advice.