ddlg abandonment - BPD edition
i thought i was doing well as a sub and a little.. i have borderline personality disorder, and i was extremely communicative to avoid triggers. it still happened.. i still got triggered a couple times but he was able to stop the spiral quickly. it felt safe. i suppose part of what i’ve always needed from the ddlg dynamic is protection from myself too >.<
but.. then things changed. i stopped feeling safe and it felt like i was no longer being taken care of, suddenly it felt like he hated me for how i was feeling. and suddenly it felt like i was the one doing the caretaking.. its extremely triggering for me. when someone promises to keep me as their little then forces me to be what im not.. and it just felt like he didn’t actually want me, or to be my dom. it felt like he just wanted someone who would pour all their love into him. i did tell him.. and it just made everything worse.
i knew it was another split, getting triggered and not being able to stop it. i was crying and crying. i tried so hard to apologize. i hate when i get like that, the guilt is just so overwhelming.. my feelings and emotions are just so big sometimes that i cannot contain them. i try my best to regulate it.. and he promised he would keep me safe.
then it felt like i blinked and i was alone. he was suddenly against me. made me feel as if i were attacking him rather than begging to feel safe.. when that’s all i wanted. and i tried to say that..
he called me stupid. then insane. he laughed when i said it was cruel. and i’m just.. very sad. am i insane? i mean, clinically im just traumatized. am i truly so evil and horrible? i tried so hard to do everything right this time..