Is now a good time to trip or do I need to wait longer?
I don't have anyone in my life that can give a good answer to this so looking for any advice pro or negative that might help push me in a direction or just good food for thought.
I've done Ayahuasca a few times about 10 years ago as well as Huachuma, both in Peru in the correct settings, probably the most important life changing things I ever did. I've done a couple low doses of mushrooms (around 1.5-2 grams) on my own at home in the last two years that were very beneficial for me in processing some trauma and giving me a feeling of Hope that I'd lost. I did those low dose mushrooms while also weening off Venlafaxine, but still on a very low dose, which I slowly titrated down from for over a year. (I regret ever going on venlafaxine but that's a whole other thing)
I came off Venlafaxine completely about 9 months ago and almost immediately started having nightly panic attacks and really broken sleep and intense nightmares that I'd never had in my life before, which as far as I can understand is my body/brain readjusting to the serotonin and norepinephrine levels/returning emotions that had been covered up by the venlafaxine etc. On top of that I'm dealing with some CPTSD from my last emotionally abusive relationship that really did a number on me in a way I never thought possible and am having a lot of PTSD symptoms stemming from that (that 99% of my nightmares are about). I've also smoked a fair bit of weed in the last 5 or so years which never caused me any issues until I came off venlafaxine and if I have too much it brings on those same panic attacks, so I now consume maybe 25% at most compared to what I used to 9 months ago, just enough to help me get to sleep. I get it medically prescribed and am not an all day smoker and have only ever used it for sleep and occasionally recreationally. The panic attacks feel very body focussed and more like a "medical" thing rather than from conscious anxiety as I'm pretty level headed through the whole thing they just feel awful like I've been drugged, and I just do breathwork to get through them and they pass after a while, but a few of them have felt absolutely awful and the first one I thought I was going crazy, unsure if that's just because it was the first and I'd never experience one before. Outside of these episodes that are ONLY at night my general anxiety is actually quite low compared to other stages of my life there are just some very specific anxiety triggers mostly around relationships.
I had to go on Agomelatine to stop the panic attacks as I just couldn't function or sleep and things have been pretty calm since in comparison unless I accidentally push the weed use, which also helps keep the nightmares at bay.
THE POINT: with all that in mind, I know, or feel very deeply that I need to use mushrooms in the short term (and eventually return to ayahuasca) to help process this trauma that is directly affecting my life, but am worried my body will have an even more intense reaction than it does after weed and may even cause some lasting damage e.g psychosis. But at the same time it could be exactly what I need to help fix this exact issue and have been stuck at this impasse for months and feel like I'm treading water. The only thing I can think of is just starting with very low doses and slowly move up and see what happens.
Also I already go to therapy, exercise, eat well etc so am ticking all the other boxes it's just not moving the needle enough.
Thanks in advance