Heart-to-heart vent: I'm so addicted to my poopy-pants kink
Hi all. I'm Maddie, a transfemme girlie you might have seen around here from time to time. I've had this wild shame wave where I make a new account, post a lot, look for love very forwardly, get frustrated after a couple of days and delete my account. I feel like this is pretty common, but I realized I was feeling extremely lonely and low on emotional support, so I decided to try speaking my truth on here instead of just wiggling my butt in your face.
So. I'm overwhelmingly obsessed with pooping in my pants on purpose and finding some kind of love life that flagrantly pushes my poopypants obsession as far as it can go. I frequently daydream about reorienting my life to be a full-time poopypants dreamgurl, and it is so freaking enticing to me that I feel terrified I might really do it. I'm talking, girly all the time, dumping in my pants/pullups/diapers at least 90% of the time, and getting fawned over by a similarly-obsessed poopypants perv enough to meet my romantic and sexual needs. Which is a lot. I don't know why I dream of this so much, but it really makes my imagination take flight and I'm like... desperate to experience it, even for just a few days. I usually imagine my perv to be an older man who can somehow handle the perfect balance of kindness, playfulness, and ever-so-slightly creepy treatment that I need. Sometimes I imagine misbehaving with another girlie, since I feel like she might understand my poopypants life at a deeper level, and also, ugh so pretty.
I feel like this is the most amazing kink I ever could have devised for myself, and the way even talking about it makes my heart soar confirms that. And the orgasms, oh my god. No one else has ever given me a feeling like exploding after a bunch of flirty messaging with someone who knows how to push my buttons. I still feel a little bit of shame for a few minutes after, but like 15 minutes later I'm wild for this life again. I feel like I could exhaust myself with poopypants nonsense, orgasms, and cleaning up after my misbehavior... and still wake up the next morning like "omg I need poopy".
My uncomfortable truth is that this obsession has gotten wayyyyyy in the way of the rest of my life. Imagine me at work in the morning, hyped up on caffeine and ready to be productive... except all I can think about is pooping in my pants and bedeviling someone else who needs it too. When I have an account active and have shared content, I find myself wanting so badly to run away from work, open up reddit, and see if I've snagged any romantically-inclined pervs who love poopypants gurls and can carry a conversation in my DMs. It's not just at work, basically any time I need to get something done I find it so very tempting to dive into my poopypants gurl world instead and try to set off some impossibly amazing sludgy magic. Like, my dream perv could appear any second, right?
... I can only speak for myself, but finding my dream perv has been difficult. Connection seems hard these days anyway, and then add a niche and taboo kink, nonconforming gender things, and my very specific and picky interests? Ugh. Part of me went all vain and assumed I could line up a queue of quality pervs ready for my attention and potentially worth the effort. Because I convinced myself that I'm cute and fit and weirdly forward, and I naively assumed that would make it easy to connect with someone in a lonely kink space. Yep, I feel embarrassingly entitled about that now (and not in my playtime bratty way - that way is using my powers for good). I've done a few meetups in private over the years, all from personal ads I posted to another site that does not explicitly cover poopypants kink. I got a lot of, um, practice as a poopypants date, and I must say, there is nothing like getting ready and pretty in the bathroom knowing that as soon as I step outside, I'll be hanging out with a man who wants me to poopy in my pants for him. I could cry. But the reality of those dates did not go the way I hoped... sometimes it turned out he felt stuck on a "being straight" thing and we couldn't play, and one time a guy double-booked me and kicked me out after an hour after promising the whole afternoon and evening. I’m not sorry - who doesn’t clear their schedule for a young lady who struts around their den in an outfit they requested and blows out her pull-up during a private dance? Once a guy even made up an excuse about forgetting his phone in his car, and ran away never to return. So I did cry, super ugly like, and ended up back on Reddit where at least people regularly say they desire quality time with poopypants gurls.
Every time I've posted content looking for flirty sexy vibes, I've gotten a lot of DMs, but half of them either were just requests for content (sometimes disguised as attempted conversation), or just uncomfortable and hard to field. And I swear, whenever someone began to strike my fancy, it would turn out they had not paid attention to my gender and lost interest on the reveal, or they lived thousands of miles away, or they ghosted me. I know that's all par for the course out here, but I will complain brattily and loudly for a moment... I see so many posts and comments expressing similarly deep desires for a cute poopypants femboy, or CD gurl, or transfemme girlie (all of which I happily perform). And they tend to at least want their cutie to blorp their/her pants on their lap. Maybe someone can back this up?
I've tried several times to leave this kink behind, and I haven't been able to shake it. Maybe it's worth finding a sex therapist, though that terrifies me and I don't know if I can afford the time and money to make that work. And like, what if I truly love this and could live my best life going stinky for you in outfits that mess with your head? I've had this kink for as long as I can remember (literally since I was 4 - some of my first memories involve fantasizing about poopy pants while still in preschool). I'm scared to deal with it in a serious way because I've had it all my life and I still wonder if it might be the most amazing thing about me. Plus I so so so want to find out what it's like to poop in my pants for a perv who really likes it and really likes me. But… obsessing over this gets in the way of my professional life and suuuuuper constrains who I can ever date. So I don't know what to do. Welp!