u/Mr-rye21

This is a new account since I don't want NSFW on my main, it's taken me literally a year to work up the courage to actually interact in this community. I hope the spoiler hides the text lol.

I started T injections end of 2021 but was super inconsistent until I started gel mid 2022. I honestly can't remember what I looked like pre-T, but I think the first year on gel I grew quite a bit. My partner was attracted and I felt euphoric. Until I got a strap on to walk around the house in. My partner was excited about it, and wanted to give it oral. They probably just weren't thinking, but they said they missed having real dick in their mouth. That hurt, bad. I stopped them and told them, and they were understanding and apologetic. What they don't know is that shit stuck with me for the past 3 years. It's in the back of my head every time they give me oral. Since I've had a hysterectomy, I have better erections and they've been very excited about that. It makes me euphoric too, but what they said literally years ago is always clouding it and twists it into dysphoria. What isn't helping is that we want to try ENM, but they're specifically only seeking out someone with a natal penis. Them searching for it is making my dysphoria exponentially worse, even though my t dick has been feeling more like a dick. I don't want my insecurity and dysphoria to ruin it for them. It just sucks to have my brain I guess. This has been festering and I've had no outlet, so here I am. Am I alone in this kind of experience? Does anyone have some words of wisdom?

Edit- I saw the post regarding the person stalking Thursday and their DMs, and I'm too paranoid of a person to go through reddit DMs now lol I don't have anything else I'm comfortable with but do want the help so Im kinda at a loss :/

Hopefully it's okay to post from this new alt. I lurk on my main but I mod a few subs that I wouldn't want other mods seeing me interact in an NSFW server. I read through a lot of comments on other people's post, but even with Thursday T Times diagrams it's not really registering for me to translate to my own anatomy. I would be forever grateful if someone trustworthy and knowledgeable would be okay with educating what's what and what I can do to achieve my goals. I'm not very comfortable posting photos for the public, so DMs would be appreciated. I've been on low dose t gel for 4 years now, and recently had a total hysterectomy (ovaries too but I forgot the procedure name). My erections have been much better since the procedure. If I'm very aroused, I'm hard comparable to a natal penis. It's not often though, mostly just significant swelling. My testosterone and estrogen are both too low so I may have to increase my testosterone dose. I only use localized estrogen cream for atrophy. I would like bottom surgery, but really only a release. I haven't had interest in phallo or scrotum implants. My main goals are improving erection quality, correcting downward curve, and hopefully having more growth. I think I have a lot of skin? My hood covers my tip but I can very easily pull it back to fully expose the head. Also need directions of how to measure myself because I don't think I'm doing it right. I'm also not sure if I'm stretching correctly, I'm only using my hands.