Thinking about doing hard drugs
I've always had a fascination for drugs. I'm an international university student (21M) and I frequently use weed. Absouletely love it. Now I'm in a lonely place in my life. I thought that when people reached their 20s that, people would be free to hang out. To have fun, to mess around and play video games. Yet everyone in my life is too busy and the people that do have time wanted me to do shit like "Hey woild you support me if I cut open my chest the size of a pirate X for a big scar" (former friend, don't talk with them anymore). I'm happy for my friends living their best lifes. I chronically feel left out, like I'm not part of their lives anymore. My family is downright abusive with multiple deportation threats, and starting fights over the simplest of things (like wanting to go to a bike shop to have my bike get a look at which caused a fight). Getting scolded at when I went to the ER after suddenly fainting. Unfortunately I'm stuck living with them for at least a year or a couple of years. What rent I don't pay is paid for with my own mental health; it's already bad enough that I have pretty bad depression (take antidepressants for executive function and I've been to therapy) I'm tied to narcissists and there seems like no escape.
I found out how to get my hands on hard drugs and it's tempting to take them. To just say that I've done them before. To satisfy my curiousity and see what happens. I want to say that I care if I get a charge from this but I don't because I've already spent 6 years being suicidal so I'm used to seeing myself as collateral.
The worst part is that I knew something like this would happen. When I was 17 there was a small voice in my head that went
"After high school people are going to get really busy and there won't be time to hang out. You're just going to be alone while everyone else is living their lifes. So just live out life till yer 18 and die because that's the peak"
I wanted to believe that that wouldn't happen. The shitty part is that, old me was right. If this is all that life is then what have I spent my life trying to get better? Throwing it all away is a stupid decision I know yet what else lies beyond this?