u/Oleanderzombie

Ive had some variation of the same problem for 17 years

My dreams and brain have been baffling doctors and priests for so long it almost stopped fazing me.

Every time I close my eyes they reopen to see a wolfs smirk, I don't even muster a flinch anymore, I continue into the paradoxically familiar dreamscapes, into whatever door I'm next to face. I know there's no fighting nor bargaining with the wolf, he'll simply follow me quietly till the rest of the world breaks me down enough to attack.

Some nights I fight back, I stab his gut and grasp at his throat but my hands only reach his solid arms and no amount of clawing has ever fazed his rough flesh.

Most nights I just break though, I'm too tired to fight the same battle every night knowing there's no killing a beast who dug himself into my brain, sometimes I ask him questions, sometimes I ask him to pretend he still loves me. But most of the time I just wait till I wake up, quietly repeat the alternative to the worthless phrases from the psychologist too many years ago until I'm saying things aloud and get awoken by my bedmate.

The last time I picked up his call, one of the last times he called, he told me he knew he'd always be somewhere in my head and that was one of the only reasons he was ok with the cut off. He wasnt right about much but he got that one spot on. The days may be mine but the nights have never been mine.

He takes center stage in all the sleep disturbances no doctor can seem to solve or name, lucid nightmares of the only person I ever had the strength to walk away from. As if God is personally invested in the ironic suffering of my person.

Idk I'm tired