u/Roller-roller-roller

I am back after a week to post a more vulnerable angle of my body that I am insecure about, I am hoping that I will be confident to post a full behind, but the side angle has been difficult.

I am struggling to reach my weight of 150 lbs to stay on medication that I need to function. Not only that, but my back injury has been acting up. I’ve been feeling so trapped in my body and due to life situations right now, I’ve had to pause on working out, the best I do is go outside and walk. I feel lumpy, misshapen, and broken and have no desire of wanting to gain the weight. On a positive note, one thing that I’ve taken in more pride is my body hair. I can’t grow it out too much due to irritant issues, but instead of fully shaving it, I’ve started to trim it. I am starting to see how mature body hair makes me and it has felt very empowering, especially as I’ve been fetishised for how young I look and appear.

One thing I know though is that my body has not forgiven me yet for what I’ve done to it. I can’t stop thinking about how fake my recent intimate partner was when I try to enjoy erotic things for myself. (I enjoy drawing & writing self insert erotica) I feel my body stop me and remind me of the betrayal, how it still feels hurt from letting it be hurt by that again, it’s all just guilt and resentment and I am just left with wanting to stop. I get scared that this may put me into a resentment of sex entirely which I do not want, but finding the balance will be a journey.

I just hope that my body can learn to enjoy pleasure again.

This is a very vulnerable post, but something I’m doing for closure. I am insecure about my body hair yet I have not shaven anything for these pictures. I also have eczema, self harm scars and skin problems that are sorta seen on here.

I am trying to reclaim my body for me. I have put my body through so much abuse thinking it would keep people in my life I would meet and loved. If I always was down for sex it would eventually make them fall in love with me. Every time I did, I felt disgusting and empty. And when I went to them for closure, the comfort would be lies shown in their future actions. Eventually I learned that when I would go and find these emotionally unavailable/unserious men, it was a form of self harm I was doing to myself. I told myself I’m ok with this.

“I am fucking weak and selfish for wanting emotional connection and monogamy.”

I had to go to the ER twice for a UTI caused by sex in which I was there alone and in pain. I felt like I couldn’t go to them for closure and to talk about it because seriousness was not what they signed up for. So I sat alone staring at the chair in front of me in the waiting room on my second visit as my phone had died, waiting to see if I just had something resistant, or worst, if my kidneys had become damaged. It took 6 hours of tests and waiting until I got the results that it was just more resistant (thank god) but I saw my body differently. I saw how I was crying for help.

Why do you put up with these men that don’t love you? Are you truly ok being by yourself in the hospital ER unable to talk to him about this? what does that say about you going back and staying?

I am on a journey to reclaim my body and appreciate its beauty and strength of what I’ve put it through by objectifying it. Specifically taking pictures and painting it in its most natural state. Hiding it would just prove the fact that I’ve done nothing to heal, and I’m not about it. I do not care if people sexualise me, my only care now is I no longer objectify myself anymore. To her, I’m sorry.