Story: The Sauna
The sauna was nearly empty when John came in. Alan was already there, sitting on the upper bench with his back against the cedar wall, still flushed from the basketball court.
For a while, neither of them said much. The heat made conversation feel slower somehow.
John glanced over at him. “Can I ask you something kind of personal?”
Alan gave a small laugh. “That usually means it is.”
John smiled. “Do you ever think about being circumcised?”
Alan looked at him for a moment, surprised by the question. Then he shrugged.
“More lately.”
John nodded. “Because of your family?”
“Partly.” Alan wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. “You know how it was growing up. My dad, my brothers... they were all circumcised. I was the odd one out.”
John understood. His own family had been almost the opposite experience. His dad and both brothers were circumcised, and when his younger brother was born, his parents had actually discussed whether to leave him intact. Circumcision wasn't as automatic by then. In the end, though, they'd decided they wanted all three boys to be the same.
“I used to think about it in high school,” Alan continued. “I was one of the only guys I knew who wasn't circumcised. I was self-conscious about it.”
“You never talked about it?”
“Never.”
Alan stared toward the opposite wall.
“Sometimes I'd pull the foreskin back and leave it that way. Not because I had to. I just wanted it to look like everyone else's.”
John was quiet.
“That's a lot to carry around over something you never chose,” he said.
Alan nodded. “That's the strange part. Now I'm older, and nobody really cares. But I still notice the difference.”
John thought about his own family. “For me, being circumcised was never something I thought about. It was just how the men in my family were.”
“Exactly,” Alan said. “And I wonder what I'd feel like if I'd grown up differently.”
The sauna hummed softly around them.
John considered the question. “I guess that's the interesting thing. Neither of us really chose. Our parents did.”
Alan smiled faintly. “Yeah. And now I'm the one thinking about whether I want to make a choice for myself.”
John nodded. “That's different.”
Alan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“I don't even know if I want to do it,” he admitted. “Sometimes I think I'd feel more comfortable if I did. Other times I wonder whether I'm just still trying to fix something I was embarrassed about when I was seventeen.”
John looked at him thoughtfully.
“Maybe that's the question you actually need to answer.”
Alan looked over.
“Not whether circumcised is better or uncut is better,” John said. “Just whether you want it. For yourself. Not because your dad was, or your brothers were, or because you felt different in high school.”
Alan sat back again.
For several seconds neither spoke.
“That's probably the first time I've thought about it that way,” Alan said.
John smiled. “Then I guess the sauna wasn't a complete waste of time.”
Alan laughed.
Outside, someone opened the locker-room door, letting in a brief rush of cooler air before it closed again.
Alan took a slow breath.
“Still,” he said, “it's weird how something you barely think about can become such a big part of how you see yourself.”
John nodded.
“Yeah. Bodies are funny that way.”
They sat quietly as the heat settled around them, each thinking about the choices they'd inherited—and the choices that, as adults, were finally theirs to make.