Black hole - Your experience is not atypical. Standard really, common for a young lady fresh into the world without much else going for her. I’m sure you’re aware that you’re not particularly special.
Your actions represent the behavioral pattern of a broken and struggling mind. I’m willing to bet that at some point you told yourself that by using your body and submitting to your ruthlessly consumptive instinctual desires, that you were actually empowering yourself in some sort of feminist-adjacent ideology. I know it’s exciting too. There might be actual drugs, but fundamentally you’re addicted to the undeniable rush in knowing how thoroughly you are being objectified. The thrill of being beaten into a shape for the pleasure of faceless others, greater and more willful than you.
I encourage it. I see your downward spiral and self-degradation as inevitable and pleasantly hedonistic. I welcome you slipping into that warm dead-eyed state, only enlivened by how experimentally violent you can treat yourself, subjugated and exposed to the worst of the world. I am here to facilitate that, thoughtfully and cruelly.
It’s ok to cry about how you knowingly substitute emotional satisfaction and fulfillment with increasingly obscene service to pornographic demands. That you have made yourself the antithesis of self-respect. I know you need a true release; to let your inner self be exposed, but that can only come at another price. You pay with your hot, honest tears, but it will take more than that.