Less Than A Cuck
She was my first.
I was not hers, to be clear. But she was mine. It was that experience that possibly ruined me. She was sitting there, gushing about her new man. She was just so gorgeous. Her beautiful caramel skin. That smile that could stop my heart.
When I tried to take a breath, there was only a frog in my throat.
Everyone said it was impossible to be friends with your ex. But I knew that was because they didn’t have the stomach for it like I did.
“Yeah, no, he’s amazing. Like… he’s just got this reall… sorry, do you not want to talk about this?”
I shook my head and said, “no, please! I mean it. It’s like I told you, I’m just glad to be in your life.”
“Okay,” she said, “Well it’s just that he’s got this real man energy that I feel like I've been missing since… Well, that I haven’t had for a really long time.”
That stung. Her silence spoke volumes. I was the gap in the man energy in her life. Considering how it ended, I’m sure she could never see me fully as a man again.
She was sitting at the table. I was acting like a fool. I came out in nothing but a towel and dropped it, enticing her to come fuck. But when she saw me, she only shook her head. I knew something was wrong. As I stood there, towel around my ankles naked, she told me that it would be best if we broke up.
She said things hadn’t been working these past few months and that while I was fun, she needed something else.
“Wait,” I said, my voice cracking.
I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t lose her from my life. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was the first woman to even look at me.
“Why? Tell me why and I can fix it.”
She gave me a pitying look and said, “it’s not you-”
“That’s bullshit,” I said, “Please, what can I do? I can take it.”
“You’re great” she whispered. She didn’t say it, but there was a silent ‘but…’ she was not speaking out loud.
I sat down, still naked in the chair. I grabbed her hands and said, “Tell me.”
“We’re just not compatible.”
“What do you mean? I feel like when we get together all we ever do is laugh.”
“I mean… sexually. We’re not compatible. I need… more.”
“Go on,” I said, but my voice was trembling.
“I like you, and think you’re a great guy, but your dick is too small for me,” She confessed.
That was tough to hear. It doesn’t feel good to know you’re inadequate in some way. Especially if you can’t control it.
“Oooh, is that all?” I asked.
“You’re not mad?”
I shook my head as I held back tears. “No. I totally get it. You need to find somebody that matches you on that level.”
“Exactly! And it’s like I said, you’re nice. You’re fun, but you know I’m a sexual person. Sex is very important to me.”
“I understand. But, we have fun right? Maybe we’re better off as friends?”
I guess I thought that if I said it first it would come off like a power move.
“Are you sure?” She asked.
“Yes! I’m not hurt. I promise. Just consider me one of the girls from now on. Kay, bestie?”
She nodded her head enthusiastically and hugged me. Then she said, “You should probably put on clothes, bestie.”
That was a month ago. I felt a dagger in my stomach every time we texted. I was worried about precisely this part. I thought that if I stayed in her life, then she would eventually want to get back with me. But it turns out, me being her bestie was exactly where I belonged with her.
Eventually, she found someone new.
“So you… need a masculine person in your life?”
She said, “Well it’s not like I’m against feminine energy in my life. Obviously, I’ve dated girls and I’ve dated you. But, Frankie, he’s like… such a man. He works out all the time. He’s got these huuuuge arms. And he’s tall. When he hugs me I just feel so small.”
“Right.”
Just keep smiling. Don’t let her know you’re dying inside. If you let her know, then she stops sharing with you. Just suck it up.
“And… nevermind,” She suddenly grew bashful.
“What?”
“No, it’s nothing.”
“Come on, Kitty. We’re besties now. You can… dish. I’m totally cool with anything you want to say.”
“Let’s just say… we’re a lot more compatible… if you know what I mean.”
“Ohh, you mean he’s got a bigger…”
I said ‘bigger’ because I was comparing it to mine. I hoped she didn’t catch it.
She leaned over the table so the waitress couldn’t hear and said, “Huge. I thought the guy I was with before you was big. But when I saw him I was like… woah, I need a minute.”
“Aha,” I said, gripping my knees so hard that my knuckles were white.
“Is this too much for you? We can move on.”
“No, go on.”
“Okay,” She said, “Well… Obviously after my last… after us, I couldn’t take his dick right off the bat.”
“Naturally,” I said with a fake smile.
“I needed to go real slow. So I only jacked him off on the first date. But he’s a rich guy. Girls throw themselves at him all the time. I needed to keep him interested. I tried to blow him but I could only get the tip in.”
It took us three dates to make out. It took me a whole month before she let me go down on her. I remember after that, she jacked me off with two fingers.
“I guess he liked that I was gagging though. He said he came quicker than usual. Oh my gosh. He came sooo much. I didn’t even know a guy could nut that much. It filled my mouth and then he still had some left over for my face. Could you believe it?”
I thought she hated cum.
I knew some other girl was texting him. And she was a total whore, so I needed to finally let him in. You remember that website we looked at? Well there was an article on positions for big dicks as well. So I placed a pillow under me and scooted my ass up. I asked him to go real slow…”
Just then the waitress came back. Kitty switched to all smiles, she lifted her mug for a refill. As soon as the waitress left, she leaned back in.
“I was like, ‘go slow, baby. You’re the biggest I ever had.’”
My eye twitched, “No way, haha.”
“And he was like,” her voice went deeper to simulate a man’s voice, ‘Damn, baby. I ain’t ever seen anyone so tight, are you a virgin?’ Anyway I laughed at that.”
I gave a hollow laugh at that too.
“He finally got it in and after like, ten minutes, he was finally able to start stroking. Fuck, and he was so strong too. He just tossed me around wherever he wanted. It was fucking amazing. We had sex, like, four times that night. I mean, can you imagine?”
“I can’t, I really can’t.”
“Ugh, I needed this brunch. Just something social with a friend,” She sipped from her coffee.
“Aww, I’m glad. We needed this too,” I also sipped from my coffee.
“All we’ve been doing is just fucking and sleeping. Fucking and sleeping, over and over. It’s been exhausting.”
I almost choked on my coffee.
“Sorry, is this all too much? I don’t want to be mean. We can stop if that’s what you want.”
I never understood cuckolding. Wanting someone to share this intimate moment with the person you’re closest to.
She continued, “We can talk about your love life if you want! How’s dating going?”
Some cuckolds even enjoying watching their partner getting fucked. It put a pit in my stomach.
“Oh, uh, nothing much on that front. Tell me more about you and this guy.”
But the thing about cuckolds is that, while it’s backwards to me, they’re getting what they want. They were delighted by the experience.
“Okay, well he loves my ass. I guess that’s one thing you guys have in common. And he wants to try anal but… I’ve never done that and it’s so big. We’re looking into butt plugs right now…”
I wasn’t Kitty’s cuckold. We were not a couple. I wasn’t enjoying this.
Me? I was less than a cuck.