I don’t know which side to give in to sometimes
I made a throw away account on here to search the NSFW sites I don’t want showing up on my real page that turn me on (hello secret life) but I came across this community and feel a bit seen. So I want to rant and tell my story because I will probably never tell this outside of here.
So, I also fantasize and replay my SA’s back in my head to get off. So much so, it’s the only way I can get off. Even during sex. I’m never thinking about who I’m with, I’m thinking about scenarios of me being raped or gang banged. No man has ever actually made me come. My imagination of being degraded has.
I’ve been this way since I was first SA’d in kindergarten by another boy my age, playing asleep. I started exploring myself at a young age after that. Naturally my biggest kink is being SA’d in my sleep. I love the idea of someone taking advantage of me and me having no clue or no say. I’ve done it once where I found a complete stranger online, got completely wasted, gave him my address and let him do whatever he wanted to me. And he did. I woke up with cum all on the side of my neck and a vague memory of him trying to anally penetrate me. I was so wasted I still don’t know if he was able to (anal virgin)
My second time, I was SA’d in high school the first time I drank a lick of liquor (light weight, of course ) by my sisters guy friend and when I told her the next day she called me a liar. My third, I fell asleep at a girlfriend’s after a night of drinking and woke up to her bf’s hand in my pants. When I moved he got scared and pulled his hand out quickly. As I was coming to what was going on he put his hand in again, and in my drunken haze I realized what was going on and ran out of there and ubered home still drunk and terrified.
I ended up telling my gf the next day and found out later through friends she was calling me a liar. The lack of validation made me have issues of self worth and being used without my permission. It’s gotten me into some crazy porn that turns me on. Being pissed and cummed on. No one would ever guess it. But even with the shame, as I’ve gotten older the kinks have gotten stronger. I’ve started to brainwash myself on purpose with audios on loop that say how worthless I am and how I’m only useful for men. Another says I am a slut and will suck dick for men etc. I got obsessed with brain washing myself. I would play these on a loop to sleep, in the car driving, cleaning. I was so turned on by the idea of being able to manipulate myself for someone else. I would get wet at the idea of it. It was like a challenge I was giving myself to see if I could break my brain. I use to have no enjoyment in sucking dick and listened to an audio to made you love dick sucking over and over. It actually worked for me. Not saying those things work on everyone, but I knew I allowed myself to become so vulnerable that I let it. I started letting my friend throat fuck and me loved it.
Okay I’m ranting now, but I’m getting to the point. My problem is that I want to be raped. I want men to take advantage of me. I was able to break out of this obsessed trance a couple months ago but now I’m fixated onto it again out of nowhere. I fantasize about telling my SA or rape fantasy to a guy in person and immediately using it to his advantage. I want a man to really break me and make me feel useless and worthless. I get so turned off breaking and brainwashing myself. I had to stop because I could tell it was really working on me. But I’m somehow back in it again and listening to the loops as we speak, getting wet while being told I exist for men, trying to rewire my brain again after getting off the obsession. That fantasy and need for this has become so strong I made a few arrangements on here to be raped or throat fucked in the past, but always backed out. The fact that I went as far as making the arrangements kind of scared me.
But now I’m here, new account. Trying to fight the urge, but also wanting to be told to just give the fuck in and be the slut I fantasize about. The urge is crazy. I know there are other women out there. I’ve always felt so weird so wanting to be SA’d again or fantasizing about it but appreciate I’m not alone. Okay rant over.
If you made it this far thanks for reading!