Self harm feels so complicated…
I have been clean from SH for 6 weeks. I have been thinking about it nearly every day though. I feel like I’m going crazy, I wanna do bad yet i don’t wanna let the people in my life down. It’s weird cause everything in my life is going better then usually, I wanna do it out of Boredom or to just feel something to focus on it. I want to feel the burn and see the red lines. i miss the comfort it brought me.
I have such an odd relationship with pain. Im also a masocist in ways. I enjoy the typical bites, scratching, slapping, burns, cuts, etc. But it’s very distinct difference I can feel when I have the need to pain in a depressed way or a maso way. If that makes any sense… I just, I don’t know if Im weird or bad for wanting to re-laps for such dumb reasons after trying so hard for so long. I don’t even give into any of my masochistic urges bc Im scared it’s just gonna trigger another relapse instead… anyone else struggle with this?
I miss it.