Im looking for support
hi, im using an old kinda burner account for this. Im a young adult woman and i have been struggling with and because of these subs for years. i grew up being sex trafficked by my mom from the age of 3 if not earlier. i unfortunately got really messed up from it and made really bad decisions. i started seeking out really bad situations online when i was 11 or 12, i know its my fault, and its a concious choice i made. i knew it was bad but it was in my mind the only way to ever feel appreciated or worthy of anything. ive probably talked to thousands of men at this point and im only now realizing how much its hurt me. I hate men, i hate these subreddits, i hate the men ive talked to. but i just cant get out of it, its my biggest shame. i have been taught this literally my whole life, my body wont react to anything else, and i fear i will never break away from this cycle. I feel disgusting, i hate myself, i feel like a fraud. in my regular day to day life i am appalled by the patriarchal system im in, by the abuse i and my friends face because of it, but then every few months, or maybe weeks sometimes, i come crawling back to these people. even if you think im a monster, please dont say it to me, i know and im sorry and nothing you can say can be worse than what im saying to myself. i want to get better, and i want these communities disolved. i hope this isnt against the rules, i read them a few times and it didnt say this wasnt ok, but im not sure. worst case scenario im screaming at the void and it gets removed, i thought id try anyways