Coke is starting to take over my life
Hi all. I feel compelled to make a post because I've been doing more and more coke recently and I'm freaking out with my lack of impulse control or worry about the future.
I (22f) did coke for the first time a couple of years ago with friends before a concert, and thought it was lame because I didn't feel much. After a few repeated attempts on different occasions, the result was always the same and I concluded I probably just have ADHD. But after some tumultuous events in my recent personal life, it has become a cope that has turned into the most addictive substance I've ever experienced and I can't get enough. For the past three weeks or so, I feel like I've absolutely lost control of myself in this regard. I've gone into credit card debt and dipped into savings to start funding this, and I've reached the point of going through between 0.5-1g pretty much every day. There have been a couple of days where I've been able to abstain or commit to the thought of quitting, but once the depression hits too hard or something goes wrong, there is almost nothing stopping me from buying another bag.
The worst thing is, it's starting to impact my interpersonal relationships. It makes me want to socially withdraw to an extreme degree. At first, I was using in social settings, at bars or parties. I would do a bump or a line and be happy for the night. Now, I use excessively, and it has rapidly escalated. I'm almost always carrying a bag on me. I'm worried about my job, and the coke only gives me more anxiety. I excuse all of my bathroom breaks with "going to hit my vape" but the runny nose is getting to a point. The nose bleeds too. I can only say "agh allergies" for so long. I love this job, this place and the people I work with. I'm terrified of losing it, although I've already jeopardized it.
I now always want to be alone. I'm irritable, tired, achey, congested, hot & sweaty, and unhappy most of the time. Because of this, I've withdrawn from my family, friends, and partner (21f). I came forward to her about feeling like I am starting to really struggle with this. Addiction has been a battle before, mainly with alcohol, for me and for people in my family, and she has always been a constant pillar of support. She encourages me to stop, seek help, and find healing in myself. She is just perfect to every degree and yet I can't turn away from this drug. I can't bear to do this to her. After I told her about turning from alcohol to cocaine, I thought I would be able to stop because I had made an effort to create an external barrier. But we don't live together, and it's too easy to hide, and she ultimately isn't responsible for my choices or my addiction. I'm going to make more external barriers that are MY boundaries to enforce and will make it difficult for me to indulge more. I'm also going to force myself to engage in things that are normal and good for me (going to work, friends, hobbies, family, going outside, etc.) and try to find some healthy way to regulate my emotions. I'm already in therapy, and spoke to my therapist about this.
I just feel so guilty about this all. And the guilt makes me want to use more. I feel so bad for involving my partner and betraying her trust and making her suffer through the hell of being with an addict. That being said, I do not regret telling her about this problem. She deserves to know who she's with. I only regret not following through with my commitment to sobriety after telling her, and hiding and lying about my continued use. I know I have so much life to live and that so many people in my life will be let down if I continue to spiral uncontrollably. I just want to give up so badly, it feels impossible. But I know that an OD, death, or otherwise abandoning my partner is the worst option of all, and recovery is my only choice.
Tell me about your coke addiction recovery stories! I find reading those really hopeful and encouraging. And apologies for the long read... Thanks if you stuck around. :)